Our Adoption Story

How we got to where we are...

2012-03-01T16:57:00.002-08:00

It was in college that I first realized that adoption would be a part of my family story. There was never a question about it for me from there on out, I just knew.

Anthony always wanted to adopt too, so from the start of our relationship, we just knew that it was something that we would do.

We all make plans when we are deciding to get married. We dream together about where we will live, what we will do, and how many children we will have. And for us, it was always that we would have four biological children and adopt two.

We started our family quickly and added even faster. Married in 2002, Adele in 2004, Elise in 2005, Lucy in 2007...it was a lot of pregnant and it was really hard. And it was during that pregnancy with Lucy when we felt like God stepped in and said, change of plans, 3 is good, time to adopt. And that is what we did.

If we had continued on with our "plan" we would not have Nate. We would have gone on to have another baby instead of throwing ourselves into the adoption process when Lucy was only 9 months old. But that wasn't what God wanted for us, so we closed up shop and changed the plan and were blessed with the most amazing little man that we get to call our son.

So, we began to dream again and our plan became let's adopt three, two international and one domestic. We had Nate (2008) and began looking forward to a domestic adoption. And then August 2010 happened and God decided to change things up for us again. We watched a documentary and decided not to do a domestic adoption after all. All our sweet adoptions would be from Rwanda. We felt so at peace with this decision...and then a couple weeks later Rwanda closed. But it was too late for us, we were committed to Rwanda, so we began to wait.

I won't lie, the wait has hurt...a lot. But we stayed the course, stuck to our new plan. When they reopen, we'll adopt two. We'll have our six and be done. It was a good plan. Then this past December happened.

I blogged about a family we knew that came home with their new son from Rwanda. But I didn't tell you part of the story. I didn't tell you about how they had been approved for two children and came home with one. And I didn't tell you how this rocked me. I didn't tell you about how this was making me wonder. I didn't tell you about how I wondered if we would be able to carry through with our plan after all.

So I asked questions. We know that we are pushing it to ask to adopt again to begin with. To ask for two, well, it may kill our chances for even one. But instead of panicking, I knew, I knew that I was watching God change the plan again.

Rwanda is our heart. And we just feel like that is where God has had us from the start. And we are going to wait on Rwanda. We have hopes that they will reopen to international adoption again. And we have hopes that they will allow us to bring Nate a sibling that will be able to share a history with him in a way that none of the rest of us can. But that would make five and six is our heart.

So about a week after that family came home, we were just sitting on the couch and I turned to Anthony and said something that neither of us thought we would talk about again...I asked him what he thought about having another baby. And three weeks later I found out I was pregnant. So I guess we have a new plan and so far, I guess God thinks its a good one.

Each turn we have made has brought another child into our life. This is no different. Unexpected? Yes. But right. And we are so at peace and so thankful. What a journey this continues to be!

February's Kinyarwanda

2012-02-08T12:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I dropped the ball a bit last month and really don't know my numbers or how to say January as well as I should, so I definitely have some reviewing to do. Because of that, I am only adding a few words this month...

1. February: Gashyantare (GahShyanTahRay)
2. Water: Amazi (AhMahZee)
3. Coffee: Ikawa (EeKAHwah)
4. Eggs: Amagi (Ahmahgee)
5. Bananas: Imineke (EemeeNAYkay)

I decided to pick some everyday words for us to give me more opportunities to think about it. We'll see how it goes this month!

January's Kinyarwanda

2012-01-09T07:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here are the words I am working on this month...

1. Compassion/mercy: Imbabazi (EemBahBahzi) I'm cheating a little on this one because I knew this word (it is the name of one of the NHH kids) I just didn't know what it meant
2. Family: Miryango (MeerYahnGo)
3. One: Rimwe (ReemWay)
4. Two: Kabiri  (KahBeeRee)
5. Three: Gatatu (GahTahToo) 
6. Four: Kane (KahNay)
7. Five: Gatanu  (Gahtahno)
8. Six: Gatandatu  (GahTahnDahToo)
9. Seven: Karindwi  (KahReenDwee)
10. Eight: Umunane  (OoMooNahNay)
11. Nine: Icyenda ( EeCheeEnDah)
12. Ten: Icumi  (EeChooMee)

The numbers are all in my downloaded lessons, so I know them pretty well now. In fact, I know all 12 pretty well. Perhaps I should add some more!! That gets me to 27 words...more than a quarter of the way to 100 and it is only January 9th!

I'm already adding another...it just makes sense to do this...

13. January: Mutarama (MooTahRahMah)

Setting Some Goals

2011-12-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago, I wrote in my family blog about some goals I had written out for myself for 2012, for the next five years, and some lifetime goals. I just shared a handful there that I knew I would post about on that blog as I reached them, and so I figured I would share a couple here that were adoption/Rwanda focused.

So, of course I have "adopt again" on there, but it is on my five year list, not my list for 2012...sigh.

I also have on my five year list that I would like to travel back to Rwanda twice (I've been 3 times since the spring of 2008), taking at least one of the kiddos (most likely Adele) with me on one of the trips. And a life goal of taking all of the kids there.

The one that I really wanted to share here though, is my lifetime goal of being fluent in kinyarwanda. This is actually really important to me as I have felt the power of being able to know words in this amazing language and also to be able to share them with my son. It provides a connection to Nate's roots in a way that few things can. I just think that anyone who adopts internationally should know at least some of the language their child was born into. And I have to say, you can just tell when you are in-country how much the people enjoy your efforts to speak their language. While I was there this summer, there was a guy that would cook for us at the townhouse we stayed in and every morning I would come into the kitchen to fill my water glass and our conversation would go something like this...

Me: Mwaramutse. (Good morning.)
Stratone: Mwaramutse.
Me: Amakuru? (How are you?)
Stratone: Ni meza. (I'm fine.) Amakuru?
Me: Ni meza.
We would then just stare at each other and I would say...that's all I got!...and we would both burst out laughing. I LOVED those mornings.

Anyway, so I broke that goal down into a five year goal of being able to hold a conversation in kinyarwanda and a goal for 2012 of learning 100 words/phrases in kinyarwanda.

Here's how I plan on doing it:

I've made a list of what I already know.

On my first trip I walked away knowing these:
1. Hello: Muraho! (pro-nounced MooRahHoh)
2. How are you: Amakuru? (AhMahKooRoo)
3. Thank you: Murakoze (MooRahKohZay)
4. White person/foreigner: Muzungu (MooZoonGoo)
5. White people: Abazungu (AhBahZoonGoo)
6. Hope: Kwizera (KweeZerAh)

Trip 2:
7. Mom: Mama (yeah for easy ones!)
8. Dad: Data (DahTah)

Chantal's visit here:
9. I love you: Ndagukunda (NDahGooKoonDah) LEARN HOW TO SAY THIS IN THE LANGUAGE OF YOUR CHILD'S COUNTRY AND SAY IT TO HIM/HER EVERY DAY!!!!!!!

Trip 3:
10. God: Imana (EeMahNah)
11. Milk: Amata (AhMahTah)
12. My name is: Nitwa (NeeTwah) UPDATE: to clarify (in case you get confused like my mom), nitwa means "my name is", not my name is Nitwa...hahahaha...at least she tries. Love you Mom!
13. Goodbye: Murabeho (MooRahBayHo)
14. I'm fine: Ni meza (Nee MayZa)
15. Good morning: Mwaramutse (MwahRahMootZay)

Since I have always kinda wanted to do this, while on this last trip I bought myself a phrase book, dictionary, and bible in kinyarwanda to help me along. I have also found a list online that has been really helpful with pronunciation on this blog and also coughed up a bit of cash for these lessons that you can download here.

My hope is to share each month what I have learned and to also try and introduce as much of what I'm learning at home so that everyone is learning along with me. I assure you that they all know what "ndagukunda" means, even if they have trouble saying it. And you should also know that one of my favorite moments of the day is when Nate and I say good night to each other and that sweet little voice says "ndagukunda" to me...

So, care to join along with me? I dare you!

Better Late Than Never!

2011-12-09T06:08:00.000-08:00

So, I went to Rwanda this summer...remember? And I never posted any pictures...remember? Well, I finally have them organized on my computer, so here FINALLY are some pics for your enjoyment!! (Brace yourself, I'm posting a bunch!)

Our amazing hosts the Mbandas...aka Nate's other grandparents = )

The preschool we visited (mentioned towards the end of this post).

Sonrise boarding school (also mentioned at the end of that post)

The Mbandas' church and the work they do.

Compassion International

The land

The people

and our beloved New Hope Homes

Oh my...how I love this place.

A New Little Friend!

2011-12-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

So it has been a bit since I have posted on this blog. I guess that there just hasn't been anything to post...a painful nothing. No word on Rwanda's reopening and so many families that got in before the close that are still waiting for their children. Truth is that there are a lot of questions in my heart as to whether this is ever going to happen and I ache. Deeply.

Some days I don't think about it at all or at least my emotions and faith seem to be all peaceful. Other days I hurt so much that I feel as though I have experienced a great loss...even though it is something I have never had. And then there are days like today, bittersweet, hopeful and full of longing...

You may remember when I was in Rwanda, that I posted about one of the guys on our trip and our going to the ministry together where he found out that his family had been approved to adopt. Well, today is the day that I headed for the airport, my mom, Adele, and Nate in tow, and welcomed home their new son, David.

It's been a crazy few weeks for them and as I followed their blog my emotions have been all over the place. There is this club you join when you adopt, a smaller one when it is international, and an itty bitty one when it is from Rwanda. And as members we understand one another in a way that no one else does.

It was a sweet thing to be able to welcome them home. And it is even sweeter to know that there is another little Rwandese boy here. A little man that looks more like my son than any of us do. I hope we can help them foster a sweet little friendship. Two little four year olds with more in common than a love of cars. It's what we wish we had for him in our home, but for now...

Welcome home little David!

3 years...

2011-10-24T06:58:00.000-07:00

Did I actually accomplish it this year?!

Happy anniversary little man. My life changed that day in way I could have never imagined. I love you sweet son.

what haunts me.

2011-10-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

Just so you know, I still intend on posting pictures and more video from my trip, but not today...

I've had a lot on my mind lately and if I'm honest, I'm struggling.

You know that feeling of dropping your kid off at preschool for the first time and how you get all emotional in part because your baby is growing up, but also because all of a sudden your child is doing some of life without you and that hurts. For all these years their lives have been only lived out before you and now all of a sudden they are going on this journey without you there.

Welcome to the world of adoption.

If God has for us other children, then right now, they are at preschool. They are living lives without me. They have these little journeys that they are on that I am not a part of and I have to be honest, it haunts me. It hurts so much because I'm a mama and I want to be there. I want to be the one that comforts them when they fall down and praises them when they accomplish something. I want to check on them at night and see their little sleeping forms, covering them back up when they've kicked off their covers. But I can't, and it haunts me.

I'm thankful that I believe in a God that is there. A God that is comforting me and caring for them all at the same time. There is a peace that comes with that and there are times when I truly am able to just rest in that...and then there are days like today, when knowing that doesn't keep me from aching.

Church Video

2011-08-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am pretty much the worst in the world at posting videos on this thing, but I finally got a video uploaded onto YouTube, so we'll see if I can at least provide the link.

This is a video that I took on our first day in Musanze at church. It is only going to give you the very smallest taste of what we experienced while we were there. The service was 3 hours long and in Kinyarwanda, but I could have sat there all day. They were celebrating the launch of their Father's Union, which is basically a group of men that promote being good fathers and husbands. It is a pretty amazing group. Anyway, so there was an amazing procession into the church that morning and then just song after song after dancing...it was absolutely incredible. I should have been taking video all along and I have to say that the video I took doesn't do the morning justice, but I was really trying to be present at the same time and that is hard to do from behind a camera.

So, this was basically our introduction into Rwanda for the trip and I have to tell you my cup was OVERFLOWING in a way that I have seldom felt during this service. To hear these people sing and praise God and dance and celebrate...it was amazing. And I have to tell you that I am usually drawn to a much more solemn kind of worship, but come on, surely this was a glimpse of how we will celebrate for eternity!

Church Video

Just so you know, this group has performed at Rick Warren's church, Saddleback, in California (got their passports to do it) when President Kagame was going there to speak...at the President's request. They were absolutely INCREDIBLE. The little boys are just boys from the church, around 3 years old. The first one you saw is doing a traditional dance and just has a natural grasp of it...pretty cool.

Anyway, hopefully I get some more videos posted...wish I knew how to just have them on the blog without sending you all over the internet!!! Oh well!

Time in Kigali...

2011-08-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

So, I am SLOWLY getting this done...but I am getting it done.

Our time in Kigali was truly wonderful. While Musanze was a new adventure for me, Kigali is just full of familiar spots and memories. It was great to be back and completely surreal at times. Here were some of the highlights...

Bourbon: a little taste of home in the form of a snazzy coffee shop. This was the first place that Anthony and I went when we visited Rwanda together and was also the first place we went with Nate when that hard-to-get travel letter was finally in my hands. On this visit we met with a friend of mine (Jana) and her oldest daughter who is going to be going to school with one of the girls on our team. Jana has done so much in the adoption world in Rwanda and it was great to visit with her again. We also have a funny story about a rat, but whatever...

Fabric: okay so we had done most of our shopping in Musanze, but a number of us are fabric fans and picked up some to do some sewing when we got home (I've made a table cloth out of some of mine), but Jeanette and I also bought some to have some clothes made there. I ended up with the cutest skirt and Jeanette had two dresses made. I think that this is going to be a new tradition for my trips there!

Kiki: I was so glad to get to visit with my dear friend Kiki while we were there. She and her husband had adopted a little Rwandese girl about 8 months after we adopted Nate and this was my first time meeting little Grace. It was so fun and I deeply loved getting to visit with this dear friend whom God has used in such a unique way in my life.

Compassion: One of the "business" items that I did while we were there was visiting a Compassion International site. I have to say that we were truly blown away by what they are doing there. The thoughtful way in which they reach out to their community is amazing. It was Saturday when we were there and they had a bunch of children in school there. It never ceases to amaze me that these are the little kiddos whose pictures are on the refrigerators of homes across the US...your donations are truly doing something! My favorite part was learning that some of the teachers were former Compassion kids...so cool.

The Ministry: So, my guess is that those of you who read my blog because you are a part of the adoption world have been waiting for this part of my post. Here goes...one of the guys on my team has his family's dossier in Rwanda awaiting approval to adopt. So, of course we made going to the ministry a priority for our trip. I have to say that it was really surreal to be in those offices again. I had so many difficult meetings when I was there last, but, that isn't what this trip was about and so I set those things aside and enjoyed being by my friend's side as he found out that his family's paperwork had been improved. So so exciting!!! I also asked some questions about the possibility of our family being able to adopt when Rwanda reopens and well, I didn't really get the news I hoped for, so we will really need to be on our knees about that. Once again, thankful for a God who has a plan for our family, even though there are times that are tough for us.

New Hope Homes: I could go on and on and on about being there. We had the opportunity of being there three times and I have to say it was so good for my soul. I held myself together so well while I was there even though there were times when I thought I would completely break down. There were pictures of Nate and our family throughout all the homes and that simple reminder was pretty crazy. As we toured the homes I found myself mentioning to whoever was nearby, "that's where I was handed Nate for the first time" and other little things like that. Finally I broke a bit when we walked into his old room. We were all there and I turned to Chantal and tearfully said, "This is where Nate slept". Those moments...anyway, so just having time to love on all of those kiddos, snuggling them, kissing their sweet heads, chasing them around and just being silly...loving them as so many loved my son when he was there. It was an honor.

So that's about it. You know, minus the millions of little stories that would take forever for me to write and you to read. I promise to try and post some pictures and videos soon.

Before I go though, I guess I wanted to give you all one take-away about my time in Rwanda. You need to know that this trip has filled my heart with a greater love and respect for this country than I ever thought possible. It is so different from all I have ever known and yet I feel as though being there has opened a part of my soul that I never would have known about if I had never walked in those hills. I deeply love Rwanda.

Wrapping up our time in Musanze.

2011-07-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm back! I had thought I would continue updating while in Rwanda, but when we moved on to Kigali it just didn't happen. And then, before I knew it we were on our 36 hour trip home and then life started again! So, now it has been a week since I was in Rwanda and I figured it was time I sat back down and told you more about the trip!

I'll include some picture posts later on, along with my promised church post, but for today I just wanted to share more about what all we did...

Our time in Musanze was amazing. It is so different from Kigali there. It's kinda like hanging out in KC rather than New York City...only on an African scale. = ) The weather was amazing. While my family was sweltering here in 100+ degree heat, we were enjoying temps that never caused us to sweat and had us grabbing our sweaters in the evenings...gotta love going to Africa to cool down!

We had a chance to tour around a bit which was really great. Some people may think that a mission trip should be all about work, but I actually think that taking the time to do things like tour the country is really important. Serving others is not all about getting your hands dirty. I truly think you are missing the point if you don't take the time to get to know the people and the place that you are there to serve. Learning to love is huge and only makes the service that much sweeter.

Anywho, Musanze is kind of ground zero for those coming to see the gorillas in Rwanda (which Anthony is DYING to do) and so we took some time to head up towards the hills where the gorillas live. We didn't actually go see the gorillas...you need to book that WAY in advance and it costs quite a bit, but it was really fun just heading up to the area. It is so beautiful up there. The scenery never ceases to amaze me in Rwanda, but this area really got to me. It was so lush and there was so much farming there...a shortage of food there is not. They grow enough potatoes there to feed all of Rwanda and send them on to Burundi and Malawi.

We also headed up to Lake Kivu and the Congo border. The lake was really beautiful and it always just amazes me to drive through the country and see all the people just going about their daily lives. All those walking around with bags of potatoes on their heads and babies strapped to their backs. Little children with three mud bricks stacked on their sweet little heads and sometimes a small child also strapped to their backs. The water filling station with so many yellow jerry cans laying around waiting for their turn to be filled and carried back home. The farming, the women doing laundry in the streams, the crowds of people carrying everything under the sun on their heads on their way to market...I could drive around those hills for days.

Every moment was wonderful there...the evening conversations with the Mbandas, giving goats to "the poorest of the poor" congregants of their church, the constant supply of Fantas, the feasts that we rolled away from every evening, all the goods that we purchased from the Mothers Union shop...it was hard to leave Musanze, a place I have grown to love...but on to Kigali we headed.

These women.

2011-07-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

Today we (the ladies) did a bible study for the women at the Mbandas' church...did I ever mention that he is an anglican bishop here? Well, he is...anyway, there were about 100 women there and we sat in chairs at the front of the church facing them. They were singing as we walked in, which will never get old, and then Chantal stood up and told them a bit about our group. At one point she asked me to stand up and told all of them about how I had adopted a little boy from Rwanda and how I hoped to again. The women all clapped and flashed those brilliant Rwandese smiles at me...

We each took turns introducing ourselves through a translator and saying something in Kinyarwanda. The other four all said hello or good morning, and when I stood up I almost did the same, but instead I told them that I wanted to share my favorite phrase in Kinyarwanda. I told them it is the one that I say every night to my son when he goes to bed...ndagukunda...I love you. They all shouted it back to me...100 Rwandese women said they loved me.

We were each asked to share something to encourage them from God's word. I chose to share from Psalm 71, which they had read at church on Sunday. Two verses had stood out to me that morning...

For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth.
Upon you I have leaned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you. (verses 5 and 6)

I told them through tears how my son's life had started out with difficulty but that God had been there. That God had been the one who brought Nate from his mother's womb and that we could praise Him for that. I told them that no matter what difficulty they go through, or that I go through, that my prayer for them is that they will remember that God is there and so we can praise Him.

I was shaking with emotion when I sat down and so many of the women had tears in their eyes. In so many ways it felt like looking into the face of my son's birthmom and the way that they looked at me, so filled with love, just rocked me.

When we were done it was the ladies' turn to stand up and share a bit of their stories and why they thank God. It was so incredible to listen to these women. Nearly each one had either been an orphan, was a widow, or both. They talked about having no home and losing nearly all their family in the genocide. And yet they saw God through it all and they praised Him.

There was one lady in particular that I wanted to tell you about. She looked older than most, but it is so hard to guess how old people are here. She talked about how as she was walking to go into exile during the genocide, she was among a group of Christians. Another lady was trying to stick close to the group but they kept avoiding her because everyone knew that she was being hunted. One night she spoke with the woman and the woman told her that she knew they were Christians and wanted them to take her baby when she was killed. And that is what this woman did. Her own life was threatened for having the baby but she kept going back for her and today her daughter is 16. She then looked at me and said how she had cried when I had talked because she knew that it took a deep love to love a child not from you. She has another adopted child who can't walk or talk, she's five...oh, and they live under a tarp, because they have no home...and yes, she still thanked God.

This amazing woman whose life has looked completely different from mine, found that place where we are the same and at that moment nothing else mattered to me. I'll never forget it.

My heart aches that I can't know Nate's birthmom and yet on this trip I have felt as though I have embraced her as I have embraced these women...their cheeks pressed up against mine. I have looked into her eyes and at her smile as I have looked through tears into theirs. I can't thank her and yet these women have thanked me. I feel so overwhelmed with love right now...

My other home...

2011-07-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I have finally gotten down to write a bit. I wish I could make this longer than it will be but the Internet and I are not getting along and I used most of our rest time to email Anthony...he trumps you all. = )

So here is a quick rundown of things so far...

Our trip was pretty uneventful and we actually arrived on time in Kigali on Saturday. Of course it took a really long time to gather all of our baggage, we only lost one bag (Deb's personal suitcase...which she should get tomorrow), but none of that mattered when I could see Chantal's face in the crowd. Just the thought of her makes me smile but seeing her fills my heart. I have to say though I had a few flashbacks about the last time she greeted me at the airport and the mess I was walking into and I thanked God that there was nothing like that this time...

We drove that night for a couple of hours to the north to Musanze where we are staying for the first half of our trip. It was dark the roads were winding and I hadn't slept in 36 hours so it was a real relief to get to our hotel.

Sunday morning was AMAZING! I will write about it more extensively when I get back and can post a video to go with it. Let's just say that those who don't think that dancing and worshipping God can go together need to spend some time in Rwanda!!!

The evening we spent with the Mbandas listening to the stories and all about Mbanda's job as bishop here. It was. So interesting and just great to be together...I had never met Mbanda before and I have to say that I consider it an honor to know him.

Today has been a busy one. We toured a preschool that has started in a local church (one of 148 that they have started since November!) and boy do I have some cute videos to post from that! The kids were ages 3 to 6 which is just one of those things that digs into my soul as I see Nate's sweet face among them. (I just realized that I will have to blog about the emotions of this all later...there is just too much to think through right now.). We then went by Sonrise School, where the oldest 12 kiddie from NHHs go to boarding school. It was a really neat place and you could tell that everyone was proud of their school. It is one of the best schools in Rwanda and 50% of the kids are orphans...insane. After that we ran by the land that the new houses will be built for NHHs and then grabbed lunch and are resting.

I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels to be here. To look at all these faces, hear all these accents and language and know that I am in Rwanda...it truly has this amazing sense of home for me. And I deeply love it here.

I leave tomorrow...

2011-07-14T19:18:00.000-07:00

What else is there really to say? I leave tomorrow. INSANE!!!

Comparing eggs...

2011-07-08T19:06:00.000-07:00

So, at dinner tonight Elise for some reason told us about this day in her class this past year when they looked at the insides of a brown and white egg. "They were both the same." she told us, "Just like how people can look different on the outside, but we are all the same on the inside." Hmmm...I simply wasn't going to let this pass...

The next 15 minutes turned into a conversation about how we actually AREN'T all the same inside. God created each one of us differently and rather than pretending that we are all the same, we should learn to love and appreciate what is different about each other, both inside and out. We then all told something we loved about another family member, both inside and out. (Even helping them to decide whether something was an outside thing or an inside thing, was really interesting.) It was such a sweet conversation and I so enjoyed hearing everyone come up with things. Here are a few for each family member that came up...

Adele: inside...creative; outside...her blonde hair
Elise: inside...nice; outside...her long hair
Lucy: inside...goofy; outside...how her middle toes are so long
Nathan: inside...silly; outside...his fro-hawk
Mom: inside...loving; outside...pretty clothes (I had a dress on today.)
Dad: inside...playful; outside...his big

It's okay that we are different, in fact, it's beautiful. But how we chose to think about those differences, now that's what is truly important.

My heart...

2011-07-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

Almost here. In less than two weeks I go. And the emotions have begun to swell within me.

I met with my team the other night and walked away crying. I think that it just really hit me...they have no idea. And there is no reason why they would, I know that, but it's hard to know it just the same. For them, they are about to embark on a new adventure. They are headed to a land and a people they don't know. They are going to discover how best they, and the church they represent, can come alongside those that are there and help them. There is a simplicity to their mission and while it may move their heart, open their eyes, and perhaps make them uncomfortable...in all, it will require little from them. And that's okay. That's the reality and there is nothing wrong with that...God still moves greatly in those spaces...but for me, well this is a very different trip.

The awkwardness: So, Anthony and I have left the church we have been with for so long. The same church that I am going on this trip with. We have a real peace about our leaving, but there is definitely some hurt and sadness that is there and the reality that my going on this trip is preventing us from getting the separation that our hearts deeply desire in order to heal right now. But we trust that God knew all of this and has a purpose for my being on this team, whether I am able to understand it or not. But the rest of my team carries none of this and there is a real loneliness that comes from carrying that alone. I could use some serious prayer for this.

The emotions...part 1: The last time I was in Rwanda, I was there to get Nate. I was in this difficult place of fighting to bring him home, feeling insanely alone without Anthony, and being a mom to this little boy who was in once sense already deeply knit in my heart and yet a complete stranger. It was overwhelming in every sense of that word and I am so aware that as I walk in some of the same spaces that hold incredible memories for me, my emotions may go absolutely crazy. We'll walk into New Hope Homes and while the others check out the building and life in Rwanda, I will see the exact spot I stood in when I was handed my son, the porch I stood on as he screamed and I tried to comfort my child, all the while desperately needing someone to comfort me. They'll look at the children and see these sweet little brown people, I will look at them and see my son and then be faced with...

The emotions...part 2: My hopes...oh, how we hope to adopt again soon. The rumor has been that Rwanda will reopen before the end of the year, and we are so anxious to enter the process again. There's so much that could be said on this, but truly what it boils down to is that not only will I be dealing with emotions of the past, but also those of a future and it is all a bit overwhelming. Luckily there is one exception on our team who will understand me a bit on this. One of the men has his family's paperwork in Rwanda right now and may even know who his children are when we are there, which is just so crazy and I can only imagine what emotions he'll have to sort through while we are there!

So, in short, I am in serious need of prayer. This trip is not about me. Even though I am no longer a member of Christ Community, I am still going there to help them think through their relationships in Rwanda. I can't let this be about me and my struggles. At the same time though, I am not one who hides my heart and my heart is about to be seriously overwhelmed and perhaps my experience is part of what my team needs to see...I don't know. All I know is that I am about to go back to Rwanda and I can't wait and I am just so deeply aware of my need for God in all of this.

I'm also so aware of how inept this post seems to be in describing what I feel...but it is all the words I can find right now.

29 days!!!!

2011-06-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

That's right, in just 29 days I will be on my way and I just can't wait!! There is so much that I could tell you about all the emotions that I am feeling about this trip, but I'll save that for another day. For now, I just wanted to tell you about this book that we have been reading to prepare for our trip.

It really has nothing to do with adoption per se, but I feel as though it is a great read for anyone and a truly amazing read for anyone that has adopted from or works with the poor throughout the world (including the US). It's called When Helping Hurts (pic of book cover below) and it has changed the way I think about the world. Truly incredible and a read that I am so thankful we have gone through together as a team before heading to Rwanda.

I could go on and on about this book, but more than anything I think it has made me really think about whether my "helping" is really for me or for those that I aim to help. Because I think that often times we don't take the time to really understand the core of what people are struggling with, that we just go for the quick and easy fix of giving them money or something. It makes us feel good and yet requires so little from us while at the same time often reinforcing their feelings of hopelessness and lack of self-esteem. To take the time to enter into their pain or problem, well, that's uncomfortable and can leave us feeling as though we weren't able to do anything and yet that time, that relationship, the empowering of who God has created them to be, is most likely exactly what they need...I know that as I have struggled with our church recently that that is exactly what I have craved, for them to stop trying to fix things but rather to do the messier but so much more lovely act of entering into a relationship with me...but I guess that is a whole other entry and not for here.

Anyway, so read the book. And if you truly want to help others, take the time to understand what they need...and I'll give you a hint, it is hardly ever just a check that you'll send in the mail and forget about as soon as it hits the mailbox. It is going to require more of you than that and will forever change your life for the better.

It doesn't take much...

2011-06-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

We found out recently that Nathan is still a Rwandan citizen...he didn't lose that when we adopted him...and we are so so glad.

Sometimes its the little things that truly warm my soul.

Mother's Day letter

2011-05-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

To that dear Rwandese lady...

This morning I woke up to four kids climbing on my bed, homemade cards and gifts, hugs and kisses, and sweet little voices saying, "Happy Mother's Day". It has been truly sweet. I have felt so loved today and have been taking the time to just be amazed at the fact that I am the mother of these four little people. It is just such a crazy thing to think about.

Today I have stolen long looks at each one. They are each so unique, so distinctly them, from the way they dress, to the way they smile and laugh...so different, so beautiful.

I feel this way often, overwhelmed by these amazing kiddos that call me mom and so distinctly aware of how truly blessed I am. I'll shake my head and wonder at why God chose me to care for each one of them. I am so deeply flawed and yet He has entrusted me with so much. It is truly humbling.

Nathan. My son.

I wanted a son from the moment we found out we were pregnant with our first child. We named that baby within me Nathan, "gift of God". But that first baby was a girl and so was the second and so was the third, none of them our Nathan. You must know that I have loved each one of these girls more than I ever knew would be possible...I would not have traded them for anything...and yet my heart continued to ache for my Nathan, my gift.

In my mind during those years, I pictured him looking like a little version of his dad...green eyes, the blonde hair of Anthony's youth, and a smile that would take up his entire face. But God's idea was so different from that. And today as I look at my son with his dark skin, curly black hair, and deep brown eyes I am truly struck by how amazing God's plan for our family has been. But there is something else that strikes at my heart as I look at him today, thoughts of you...

I have a son because of you. You carried him when I could not. You felt each kick that I did not. You were there during the moments of his first breaths when I was on the other side of the world, with no idea that my life had just changed that day. You gave him a chance at life and I have to tell you, he lives life beautifully.

I had a moment alone with him earlier and I talked with him about how blessed he is to have had two mommies. How you had carried him in your belly and given him life and how much I love you for that. He's too young to understand right now, but my hope is that one day he will get it and that he will love you and thank you even more than I am able to.

It's Mother's Day today and I want you to know that today in my heart, I share this celebration with you. You gave me the most amazing gift without even knowing who I am or how badly I wanted a son. God saw you in those hills and me on these plains and somehow chose us to share this amazing little man. Oh, how I wish you could see him. I wish you could hear his laugh or share one of his sweet kisses...

Thank you. I will just never be able to say it in a way that you can either hear or understand the depths of, but thank you.

Happy Mother's Day.
Your son's mama

Rwanda Trip

2011-04-25T10:18:00.001-07:00

So, I mentioned recently that I am going back to Rwanda this summer. (I will be travelling in July, leaving here on the 15th and coming back on the 24th.) I'm actually travelling with a group from my church that will explore our relationship with New Hope Homes (where Nate lived) and how we can deepen our partnership with them. I'm really excited about being able to be on the team that gets in there and helps figure out how best our Kansan church can come alongside the work that they are doing and support them.

There are nine of us on the team going and we are currently taking time to plan out our trip, think through how we can approach them in a manner that would be most beneficial, learn more about the country of Rwanda, and raise money for the trip.

Support raising...okay, so Anthony and I lived on support when we worked with a campus ministry early on in our marriage and I have to say that those two words really make my skin crawl. BUT that being said, while I have every intention of paying for my entire trip, I would still love to form a team that will be praying over our trip and for those of you who wanted to pitch in financially, let you know that if you want to give, it will go into a pot that will help my teammates raise the money for their tickets also.

So, if you would like to join us in either (or both) ways, just email me at leslee101@hotmail.com...with Rwanda trip in the subject. I'll get right back to you with details.

Thanks!!

"Forgiveness is not human, it's DIVINE"

2011-04-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

17 years ago today, a plane carrying President Habyarimana of Rwanda was shot down. That event caused an eruption of mass killings that we have now come to call the Rwandan Genocide. Somewhere between 800,000 and 1,000,000 Rwandans were killed in the next 100 days...an amazing percentage of this tiny African nation were just wiped out. People who had once been family, friends, and neighbors, turned on each other and created crimes that are too horrific to think about.

But it happened. And we can't forget that. We can't forget that as humans we are that close to complete tradgedy. We can't think that we are somehow above what happened there...these people were not less human than us. These people are my son's people and he is just as beautifully human as us prideful Westerners. And we are just as heartbreakingly fallen as those that wielded machettes during those 100 days. And we need to remember that.

We need to remember not only so that we can learn from what happened, but so that we can wonder at the incredible healing and reconciliation that is occurring there now. If we don't understand the pain, we can't possible understand how amazing the hope is that now exists in Rwanda.

There is a documentary that you MUST watch. It is about Rwanda and reconciliation, but more importantly it is about the human spirit and what it means to forgive. Do yourself a favor, watch it and allow God to teach you about what forgiveness truly is.

Here is the trailer... As We Forgive

family blog post

2011-03-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

I just blogged on here, but had also blogged on our family page earlier today and wanted to provide a link for that too. It was one of those entries that could easily have been put on here too, so I wanted to include it for my adoption followers.

Enjoy!

Owen

2011-03-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

This is my nephew, Owen. I stole this picture from his mom's photography website because it is my favorite one of him and the pitiful one that I took of him yesterday, just wasn't going to cut it.

You may be wondering why I am blogging about Owen today...I'm sure his mom is. It's not because he is adopted, he's not. And it isn't because he is just so dang cute, although he totally is (he gets that from me). But rather it's because he is almost ten months old...

I was at the hospital when he was born. I held him and smelled that sweet baby smell on him that night. I have watched him grow and change these last ten months as he has reached all those amazing little milestones that his mom has captured on her family blog. First smile and tooth, crawling and feeding...all those things that mamas cherish. And as the months have gone by, I have become increasingly aware that I missed this.

Nathan was almost eleven months old when he was placed in my arms. And each of these things that I am watching Owen discover and his mom fall in love with him over, I missed.

I have two nieces too, but they are around Nate's age and were either past these things by the time we brought Nate home or I was still in that new mama fog and not paying much attention to anything outside our walls. But now that years have past, I have been able to sit back and think about what I missed. And you know what, I'm grieving.

How could I not? How could I not ache over the life my son lived before us? Don't get me wrong, we have had so many firsts with him and I cherish them, perhaps even more so, but I still grieve what I missed. It's one of those things that adoptive parents have to deal with. One of those things, that unless you are one, you don't get. You may think you do, but you don't. You don't know what it is like to watch your nephew wave at you for the first time and swell with love and sorrow at the same time.

And as I sit here typing this out, I'm crying. Not only over the loss of those things with Nate, but because I am in this unique time of also being aware that God may have two little ones over in Rwanda that are having firsts that I am missing again. And my heart hurts.

It's one of those things. One of those things that as adoptive parents we have to give to God, who can carry all our sorrows. And there are a lot of them, things that we grieve over that those with only biological children never have too. I know, because for years that was what I was and I didn't know these sorrows. I hadn't shed these tears.

But now I am, and now I have. And while I am so thankful for all the things that I haven't missed with Nathan, I'm allowing myself to mourn over our loss. I'm watching this silly little nephew of mine and wondering at those months I missed.

It is bittersweet, this adoption thing. So imperfect and yet so beautiful. There's just nothing quite like it.

I'm going to Rwanda this summer.

2011-03-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

No, no babies to go get...but I'm going to Rwanda and I can't wait.

I wish I could explain to you how I miss those hills, how I long to hear those beautiful accents and take in all the lovely colors and sounds. My heart lives on two continents and this summer I get to join it for a week in that amazing country. And I can't wait.

Adoption Class

2011-03-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

So, our church is going to be having a class on adoption starting this Sunday. It is a 7 week class and is open to anyone interested in adoption or even just wanting to get into the conversation about adoption. It is from a great curriculum and should be really good. If you would like to sign up, here is the link. (It's the third class on the list.)

In order to promote the class, I had the priviledge of writing and helping direct and edit a video that played at our church Sunday morning, so I figured I would share it with you. Enjoy!

Adoption Video

LOVE...

2011-02-14T06:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to all you beautiful adoptive families out there!

Passing it on...

2011-01-13T17:39:00.001-08:00

A couple of days ago I was looking at a blog that had an entry about an adoption and there was this picture of two little black kids on the screen. Lucy walked over to me, looked at the screen and said, "Who are those kids?" "I'm not sure, but they live in a country in Africa." "Oh, are we going to adopt them?"

That's my girl.

Tonight Elise and I went to the airport because the parents of a little girl from her kindergarten class were coming home from Ethiopia with her new brother. Elise could hardly contain herself and nearly lost it when they got off the plane. She was completely mesmerized by this little boy and is probably in about all of this family's pictures. She just couldn't keep her hands off of him. Then, all of a sudden she walked over to me with tears streaming down her face. I bent down and asked her what was wrong and she told me how sad she was that it wasn't us bringing home her brother and sister. I picked her up, held her, and we just cried.

On the carride home, she cued in to my emotions and began just weeping for a brother and sister that she has never met. So, we turned the radio off and we prayed for them. And we prayed for Rwanda. And we cried. And we thanked God that He knows our future as a family.

They are getting it. And I am so proud.

In my opinion...

2010-12-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

So, this is one of those post where I almost feel as though I need to put some disclaimer at the beginning because I know some of you will very much feel different than me about this, but...it is my blog. = )

There is this trend in international adoptions that really bothers me. I've heard it from a number of people and I just don't get it. You see, many people have chosen to not tell the story of how their child became an orphan. Their reasons usually go something like this..."It's their story and when they are old enough we will share it with them and then they can decide if they want to share it."

So, here is how I am going to challenge that idea. All of my girls know their birth stories, we tell them all the time. It's our family's story and we love the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all. Many other people know the girls' stories too, why not, right? So, then what if we didn't share Nate's? What if we had decided that he should be the first to know it and so it was kept secret? Here are the two issues I see with that...

One, we are separating him from our other children...his story is TOO different, that's what we would be saying. His can't just be a part of our families' history, like the girls.

Two, there is a reason his is not shared...and maybe he shouldn't share it, he needs to decide that. In other words, we are saying to him that it might actually be something too shameful to share.

That is NOT the case. Nate's story is just as amazing as our girls'. It's not something he should ever be ashamed of or feel the need to hide. It speaks of God's amazing hand in his life and that is not something to keep hidden. I want him to own who he is and where he came from, just like our girls. And I truly believe the first step of that is to make his story just as part of the conversation.

I know we have told bits of Nate's story on here before, but in light of this post I thought I would share with you some of the exact wording from his police report...oh, and his picture from the report (which is, of course, adorable)...

CONFIRMATION OF THE DISCOVERY OF AN ABANDONED BABY

On Monday the 26th day of November 2007, in GACURABWE cell, BYUMBA Sector, GICUMBI District, a baby born on the same day was discovered naked and abandoned near a pit latrine...

The baby was immediately taken to Byumba Hospital and until today, nobody has ever come to claim it, it is in this regard that we eventually decided to hand over the baby to the orphanage.

This is my son, and this is how his story starts. God allowed it to start this way for a reason, and I love it because it is part of who he is...and he is one awesome little man.

The Bitter and the Sweet

2010-11-05T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now with Anthony in Princeton, New Jersey. We are here for a conference at the seminary (which has been really interesting) and are enjoying an absolutely lovely six day long date. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids so much, but Anthony is my man.

Anyway...

We are having a truly wonderful time, yet life goes on and today, while so wonderful, has also been a little bittersweet. I love walking around this lovely town holding Anthony's hand, but today there is another man's hand that I wish I could hold...my little man, Nate.

Today is Nate's Gotcha Day. Two years ago today, I got off an airplane with this sweet little brown baby and handed Anthony his son. It was a powerful day, powerful in a way that you can simply NOT understand unless you have done it. Much like giving birth, if you haven't done it, you CAN'T understand the power of those moments. A Gotcha Day is like that and I wish I could snuggle my little Nate today.

There is another part of today that is bittersweet for me though and that has to do with those children that are so knit in my heart already and yet I haven't been able to hold them...I haven't been able to introduce them to their family...we haven't had that first family picture yet. Today is bittersweet, because our family doesn't feel whole yet and I am so aware of that right now.

I have no idea when Rwanda will reopen, and that is hard. I have no idea how long the process will take when they do, and that is tough. I have no idea if they will even allow us to adopt two more, and that is heartwrenching. And I have no idea what will happen in their lives, those days of my children before I can be with them, and that brings tears to my eyes.

So for now we will celebrate the sweetness of our Nate being here with us, and trust God with the bitterness that comes from our longing to be a whole family.

Happy Gotcha Day my sweet Nathan!

Happy Anniversary!

2010-10-24T18:44:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time of year. That time of year when I am continually checking my blog to remember what was going on at this time in 2008.

Two years ago today I met my son. There are so many memories and thoughts that have rolled through my mind today, but more than anything I have sat in that strange tension of being amazed that two years have already come and gone and yet not being able to even fathom life before him. The whole thing seems like a weird dream. I look at this little guy, his dark skin such a contrast to the rest of ours and I am amazed at his journey. My son is African...I am still in awe over that fact.

So today was a special day for Nate and I...our anniversary. The others met him on November 5th...our family Gotcha Day, but today, well today is ours. I decided tonight that from here on out I am going to take him on a date on this day, our day. He may not need to celebrate it, but I do. I hope he'll understand, or at least humor me.

I love you Nate. I loved you then, even though you were really a stranger to me, and I love more and more each day as I get to know the wonderful little man that you are.

In case you missed it...

2010-09-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

Here is the video that played at the concert of Sara Groves, Anthony, and me. It's about 10 minutes long. Oh, and it has the shorter video of Nate and I meeting in it...finally it's posted!

Building Hope in Rwanda from Kevin Harlan on Vimeo.

This video, featuring Sara Groves, tells a story of New Hope Homes - a Rwandan home for abandoned and orphaned children.

What a weekend!

2010-09-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

How do I even begin to describe this weekend to you all? The emotions of it all. The delightful conversations, the images of a place and people that I love, listening to Sara Groves sing and Gary Haugen talk, hugging women that I have barely known and yet deeply love...it was unreal...but, here is my attempt to bring it all too you...

GARY HAUGEN: Gary is the President of IJM (International Justice Mission), an international human rights agency that rescues victims of violence, sexual exploitation, slavery and oppression worldwide, and if you don't know anything about the work they do you truly need to look into it. I read a book he wrote (Terror No More) a few years ago and it was incredible. Here is the message (chose Unfamiliar Passions of God on the right) he preached on Sunday. It was one of the BEST messages I have ever heard. You MUST listen to it.

SARA GROVES: Sara was incredible!! Everyone was so blessed by her music and I am so glad that she was a part of our weekend. But what I really loved about her was the fact that I had the opportunity on Saturday afternoon to just sit with her for an hour, just the two of us, and talk mom to mom about all the things we are both passionate about...Rwanda, adoption, not being pregnant...she is so sweet and I really enjoyed being able to share our stories with each other. If you don't own any of her music, well this is another MUST. Here is her website.

NEW HOPE HOMES: What can I say? To have everyone this weekend talking about a place so near and dear to me...to have them see the beauty of the work that is being accomplished by these homes...for them to hear how loved my son was and the smiles on the faces of those kids that are still there...it was overwhelming. What an honor to have something you love so dearly embraced by others. If you didn't have the opportunity to come to the concert, you can still join in on the cause by donating through the concert link (look at the right hand column to donate) or by going to their website ANY TIME...the link is always on the right side of my blog under CALM Ministries.

CHANTAL MBANDA: Chantal is of course the founder of New Hope Homes and the woman who handed me my son nearly two years ago. On Friday, I met her with a family from our church whose adoption paperwork is sitting in Rwanda right now. We talked adoption and Rwanda and about the kids at New Hope Homes. And, of course, Chantal finally got to see Nathan for the first time since we said goodbye in the passport office in Kigali nearly two years ago. She hugged him and kissed him and spoke Kinyarwanda to him. He didn't recognize her or anything, he had been so young, but there was something that reached deep into my heart when I saw them together. On Saturday, we sat with Chantal during the concert. As the video of Anthony and I rolled and I spoke of her handing Nate to me and the video (that I have never accomplished posting on here) of that moment played, she and I held hands and just cried. It was so amazing. Then yesterday, Chantal came to our house had lunch with us and just joined in on our life for a couple of hours. We spoke about Nate and where he is from in Rwanda. The kids played and had her lifting them up in the air and chasing after them. The girls admired her hair and her clothes and jewelry. Elise, who told me, "I'm interested in her", sat on her lap and cuddled with her. She taught us the one phrase in Kinyarwanda that we desperately wanted to know and embrace in our family...ndagukunda...I love you. Anthony and I just sat amazed that this woman was in our home, loving on all of our children. And as we said goodbye, we embraced and cried and then she said something that meant more to me than anything else she could have ever said, "Thank you for loving him." Oh, Chantal, thank you for giving us that privledge

There were so many other sweet moments. The mom who came up to me with her two Rwandese daughters. They've been home with their girls for three months. She had read about the concert on this blog and her family travelled in from central Kansas to come. Seeing an old friend who has been to visit our friends Brad and Kiki in Rwanda. Whose trip there was one of our first glimpses of the orphans in Rwanda, who was part of the seed that was planted in us. The dad of a little boy adopted from Guatemala who told me that he loved the video of us and whose eyes told me thanks in a way that only someone who has been handed their child like that can understand. The sea of familiar faces, all the people I didn't know...both warmed my heart. It was truly amazing.

A Bend in the Road

2010-08-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

What a couple of days! As often happens in international adoption, the face of adoption in Rwanda is getting a makeover and its called Hague. Here is what what is posted on the Minister's website...

Temporaly suspension of new applications for inter country adoption

As a new signatory country of The Hague Convention on protection of children and cooperation in respect of inter-country adoption, concluded on 29 May 1993. Rwanda is in the process of putting in place the structures, mechanisms, tools and implementation plan.

For the reason of continuing protecting the Rwandan child’s best interests in adoption and at the same time combating possible abduction, sale and trafficking in children, the Government of Rwanda is temporally suspending all new applications for inter-country adoption as from 31August 2010. Applications from prospective adoption parents already received and those that could reach the Ministry or ANY RWANDAN EMBASSY before the above mentioned date will be taken care of as usual.

First off, I know of two families, one with their dossier at the Rwandan Embassy in DC right now and one who is planning to have theirs in just in the nick of time. So prayers for both of them are so welcome! They should both be okay, but what an emotional roller coaster the last few days have been!!

Our interest? Well, we've decided to switch things up a bit. Actually, the change came about after we watched that documentary I blogged about recently. It talked a lot about identity struggles for adoptees and the second it was over I turned to Anthony and said something about how I thought our last two adoptions should both be Rwandese.

I have REALLY wanted to do a domestic adoption, for a number of reasons. I looked forward to having an infant again and getting to work with a birth family (yes, I see that as a HUGE blessing even if the situation is difficult...that's a whole other conversation though). I have wanted that so badly, but I have always wondered in the back of my mind, what it would be like for our son to be the only black child in our family that wasn't Rwandese. And so when this issue of identity was raised by the documentary, I immediately realized that I needed to let go of my dream and do what would be best for our son. And I truly believe that that would be to not add any additional issues of identity. It just seemed right for him to also be Rwandese. And after I shed some tears and grieved the loss of my dream, a deep peace came over both Anthony and I and we haven't turned back.

So, here is our plan...and here is where the above announcement will affect us...

We are planning to start things in January. Have I mentioned here about what happened to Anthony? Well, he had a grand mal seizure last month and so we want him to have medical clearance before we do the home study. (He's fine by the way.) Our hope then is to do both adoptions at the same time. A boy and a girl. Matthias and Lydia. This is our hope. This is our prayer. We built this house with them in mind. We talk about them all the time. If you ask the girls who their siblings are, they will tell you about Matthias and Lydia...they are a part of our family.

We don't know what God's plan is for us. And we don't know how this change will impact us, but we will continue to walk forward in faith and trust that when unexpected turns occur (from domestic to international, non-Hague to Hague, and I'm sure there will be others), we'll keep our faith and keep on.

The journey continues...

Benefit Concert

2010-08-25T12:36:00.001-07:00

So, a little over a year ago, the women's ministry at our church decided to take on New Hope Homes as a ministry partner. I've been on the committee for it and eventually we decided to do a benefit concert to raise money to build another home that would house 10 more children. It's $60,000. Luckily, our church has had a relationship with the incredible Sara Groves, who has been to Rwanda in the past, and she agreed to do the concert for us. It's so exciting!

So, two things...

Here is the link where you can reserve your tickets for the concert (which is free) on our church website. You can also just donate to the cause from there even if you can't go to the concert.

The other thing that I wanted to include, is this incredible video of Sara singing "I saw what I saw", which she wrote after a trip to Rwanda and which contains footage of her there. I love it.

"Adoption" the documentary

2010-08-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

Last night Anthony and I watched this documentary. We had seen a clip of it during one of our adoption groups not too long ago, but I still wasn't prepared for how this would move me. As far as I am concerned, this movie is a MUST for anyone involved in the world of international adoption.

Here's the trailer...

I cried more times than I can remember and there were even a number of times when I was honestly angry with the views and ideas that some of the family members carried with them and I wanted to share two of them with you. One was when one of the families talked about how when they look at their child the don't see her color, but only their daughter. I struggle so much with this because I feel as though that is actually cheating the child out of being fully loved. Whenever I look at Nate I see that he is black. I am acutely aware that he never came from me. I wonder if he looks like his birth parents. And I am also in complete awe that he has been entrusted to me. That he is MY SON. I see the beauty in his color. And I wouldn't ever want to stop seeing it. It is a part of who he is. He is my son. He is Rwandese. And I love that about him. And I'm not about to pretend that that isn't who he is. My awareness of his being adopted doesn't cheapen my love...no, it deepens it, because I am so blown over by the fact that God, in His infinite wisdom, brought this little boy from the bush of Africa into my arms. And I HATE that others miss that part. That they chose not to love that. Love shouldn't be blind, it should be all encompassing.

The other one was a conversation between the adult adoptee (Jen) and her mom. Jen was wondering what her mom thought about her birth mom and her mom said she didn't care about her. Jen was struck by this and said something about how she (Jen) was a part of her, so how could she feel that way. I too felt the sting of what her mom was saying. How could she feel that way? What was she afraid of losing by loving Jen's birthmom? I've blogged about this before I think, but I LOVE Nate's birth parents, in particular his birth mom. I thank God for her as I snuggle that sweet boy and hope that someday I might have the chance (perhaps on the other side of eternity) to hug her and thank her. And I want Nate to grow up loving them also. He is a part of them and therefore they are a part of our family and I truly, deeply care for them and love them.

Anyway, so I guess these are the things that run through the mind of an adoptive mother. This journey that we embarked on has cut deep into who I am and I will never be the same...thank God!

A couple of things...

2010-07-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

If you follow our family blog you know that on Saturday my husband, Anthony, had a grand mal seizure. Crazy scary. Anyway, so we are now learning all about his condition and have learned that his type of epilepsy is genetic. So, as the girls reach their teen years we have a few things to be looking out for.

I was talking about it with the older girls the other day and mentioned the whole idea of genetics and how they are each a little part of daddy and so they may have seizures like him someday, just like they have his eye color etc. Then I asked them who in our family didn't have to ever think about it and they understood me, but the whole idea of Nate not sharing genetics was a bit tough for them. Anyway, it was an interesting conversation.

The other thing that I wanted to blog about happened at Wal-mart yesterday. Anthony was stopped by this black lady who inquired about Nate. She was super sweet and told us how amazing she thought it was. I have to tell you that I have ALWAYS wondered what the black population here thinks about us. In Africa they were a little more open with what they thought. = ) And while I'm sure not everyone thinks it's "amazing", to know that at least she did meant a lot.

The Itch

2010-06-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

Our house is going to be done in less than two weeks. It's been a year long process...our fifth baby. And now that we are doubling our space its time to think again about a real baby.

So, we are about to start things up again and now I am throwing this out into the cyber world. (Do people still call it that?)

Our hopes...

We are hoping to do an open domestic adoption of a newborn. We are hoping to adopt a boy and we would like him to be african-american. And that is it. We simply want another child to love. We have the means, we certainly have the love. We feel passionate about adoption and have considered it an honor to be apart of such an amazing journey with Nate and now...

We want to be able to know and love on our son's birth parents. That is something that we have truly missed in Nate's adoption. We still talk about where and who he comes from, but to be able to look them in the face...to be able to say thank you...

So, we are off on another journey. And as I look at our sweet little Nathan, and am continually blown away by God's goodness in bringing him into our lives, I just get insanely gitty and nervous and excited and I don't even know...bring it on God.

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

It's one of those days. One of those days when I just can't stop thinking about her. When I can't stop wishing that I could just give that amazing woman a hug and thank her for giving my son life...

I've made sure to remind our kids today to remember her and pray for her. To think of the birth mothers of the kiddos we have yet to add to our family and pray for them. They too are forever a part of our family and we truly love them.

Happy Mother's Day to birth mother's everywhere...we are thankful in ways that we will never be able to express...we love you.

Unexpected tears...

2010-03-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I have blogged here, mostly because the fact that Nate is adopted doesn't really affect our day to day. But then there are moments when it strikes me...

Last night I was working on filling out a bunch of medical forms for our doctor's office and for an ENT appointment that I need to take Nate too. As I worked my way through his forms, I began to hit questions that brought unexpected tears to my eyes.

Here were the questions and what I wrote...

Has your child been hospitalized for any reason? Yes...for observation -- newborn found abandoned outside

Were there any problems during pregnancy? NA

Were there any problems at delivery? unknown

Please list as many family diseases and/or causes of death. NA -- adopted

Have any of your relatives had the following medical problems? NA -- adopted

It's those things that before were so routine that now unexpectedly strike deep into my heart.

A year to celebrate.

2009-11-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

A year ago today, Nate and I got off a plane and we were finally together as a family of six.

Today we celebrated that day and Nate's birthday (which is in 3 weeks) with our families. It was a day...it was a year worth celebrating.

GOTCHA!

2009-10-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a year. A whole year. I once again tried to post the video of Nate and I first meeting, but for whatever reason I have never been able to get it to convert, so instead I decided to show my sweet adoption followers who this little man is now.

Just think, a year ago he had lived all his days in an orphanage and had just been handed over to this woman that he didn't know. He was scared and confused and...it was just so hard. But now a year has come and gone and he looks at me now and I am mama...and I love that.

A year ago today...

2009-10-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

...after a 15+ hour flight, we landed in Ethiopia, where we were put up by the airlines in a hotel. It was maybe not the nicest hotel I have ever stayed in, but it was the last night before we (Rachel and I) saw my son and I was so excited that I just didn't mind all that much.

First Anniversaries

2009-10-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

We are hitting those days, the first anniversaries...

A year ago today I boarded a plane, heading for Rwanda, heading for my son, having no idea what was before me, excited, scared, in disbelief and shock! It was finally happening, I was finally on my way...

hi again!

2009-09-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I have updated...life has just gotten away from us...but being an adoptive mom is never far from my mind and is a constant part of my conversations. So know my heart hasn't left!!

The other day I was looking at the blog to see what was going on a year ago. September 26th marked a year from when our lawyer emailed us to let us know that the judge's decision was in and Nate was legally ours. We took out all the kids to celebrate. It also marked Nate's having been in my care for exactly half his life...now he has been in my care the majority of his life and there is just something so sweet about the thought of that.

It's crazy to think that we are nearing a year now and at the same time Anthony and I have talked about how we are itching to adopt again. We are so excited about the idea of adding to our family, to having a different experience of an open domestic adoption, to having a newborn in the house again...

We aren't exactly sure when we will enter the process again, but we are thinking that we'll start getting our homestudy together again sometime next summer. We'd do it sooner, but we are busy with building a house this year...we need more room to house all these little monsters! But once that house is built...

Adopting more than one child is important to us. We want Nate to have someone that has a shared experience with him. We want him to have a brother, a sibling that looks a bit more similar to him than we do, someone else who will understand what it means to be adopted...it's important.

Anyway, so there will be another journey to blog about...stay tuned!

Our Adopted History

2009-06-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I have updated this blog. In part this is because life has been busy...but the other reason is because I have wanted to post something about the Rwandan genocide, but haven't known what to post. But today, I found this...

Fifteen years ago today the genocide had been going on for more than two months. Hundreds of thousands were being slaughtered. It is important that we know about all of this. It's important that everyone knows because it is a part of our world's history...it's important to us because it is our son's history.

The video and interviews in this are not easy to watch or hear, but I hope that won't stop you from taking a moment to grieve with those that have been wronged and then hope for those, like Nathan, that have been left as a legacy.

Link: Intended Consequences

Authority?

2009-03-31T18:44:00.000-07:00

Last night I was at a meeting with some friends of mine. The subject of submission to authority came up and my mind has been spinning ever since. I've been trying to figure out what to do with all the thoughts running through my mind...so here I am.

I think that this is HUGE in the process of adoption. Submission to authority. It just makes my skin crawl. When you get pregnant and have babies it's all about you. What do you want? Drugs or no drugs? Home birth or hospital? Induction or wait it out? It's all about catering to your needs as the mama. But adoption...it doesn't work like that.

There are a million different authorities that you are placed under during the process of adoption. Agencies doing homestudies, orphanages picking out children for you, countries saying yes or no, or even birth mothers who can and absolutely should have the right to change their mind...And all to often we are left feeling helpless and without even a speck of control.

And we all respond differently to these situations. Some are able to wait so patiently, others (as I often did) are constantly trying to find someone else that they can call or email or bug until answers are given. So how should we handle this? When do we fight? When do we submit? What do we do with the authorities that just seem to be screwing with us?!

During my time in Rwanda, I felt that I was being screwed with. I felt angry and helpless and angry and scared...so much. I had done everything in my power to submit and respect the government there and there I was sitting in an office being told that I had NOT respected them. I was flabbergasted. But what was I supposed to do? I knew I was going to have to fight in order to bring Nate home, but what was my fight supposed to look like?

The issue of authority came up over and over. The idea that I might be saying that someone else had authority over those in the office I was dealing with was thrown in my face time and again. The situation was looking more and more hopeless...but then it happened...I submitted. I had every reason in the world to try and go over this office (and could have had the means) and challenged their authority...but at that moment, in a hallway, as I was being chewed out again, that still small voice was able to speak to me through all the confusion and brought with me a humility that I had never really known before...

"Please, I need your help."

Those were my words to them. I quit challenging the authority. Instead I submitted to it in such humility (and it was so genuine) and moments later I was given the permission I needed to bring Nate home. Okay, so it was really another awkward, tense meeting, more running around to get a correction made and another trip to the office before I was given the physical permission I needed, but things had turned at that time and I was finally confident that I would be bringing Nate home.

Here's my point...

You will go through this. As an adoptive parent you will continually be asked to submit. Your oppportunity to parent will constantly be up to other people's whims. And you need to prepare yourself for it, because it is so hard. But learning this, through this, well, God has changed me, my heart. And I am thankful for those women in those offices. I'm even thankful for Scott, the obnoxious US embassy worker that drove me mad in Ethiopia!! Because on this side of things...I'm just growing as a person.

But more importantly, here's what the Bible has to say on it...

"Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgement...for he [the authority] is God's servant for your good." Romans 13:1-4

It may seem hopeless. It may seem unfair. But nothing is outside of God's authority. And while it may be difficult to submit to another horribly fallen person, it's important to remember that that submission is really a submission to a gloriously perfect God. It may not mean that you walk away from things as I did, with the answer that you wanted, but it does mean that God will be glorified and that is what is truly important.

And keep in mind that there are others following you. Other parents, other children. DON'T SCREW THINGS FOR THEM!! Don't piss people off so that others struggle. Lay yourself down. This isn't just about you.

Adoption exists because of brokenness. It simply wouldn't exist without some sort of break in that "ought" of life. I'm learning so much from having gone through this. Pregnancy and childbirth dealt with me physically in a way that will forever change the way I look at things (or at least my belly!), but adoption has dealt with me emotionally and spiritually in a way that NOTHING in my life ever has. And I want to share more of this part. I NEED to share more of it. I read the books. The processes. The expectations. The possible issues with having an adopted child. But none of them spoke of my heart. I'm having to learn so much of this on my own. Hopefully by writing all of this though, at least you won't have to.

A Helpful Hand

2009-03-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

Over the last few months a few families have found my blog that are trying to adopt from Rwanda. They have asked me questions and sought my help. But I have to be honest, I have been in such a fog since I got back, and frankly have been still licking my wounds and healing from the whole experience, and so I have pretty much been no help at all. I want you all to know that I have felt awful about the way that I have been. I don't know what I would have done without the help of people that I found on the internet. They were my lifeline and I truly don't think that we would be where we are today if it weren't for them.

And so I am sticking myself out there now. The fog is slowly beginning to clear and I want to make myself available to others. I'm a little outside the process now, but I feel as though I can point people in the right direction whether they are wanting to use an agency or go the lawyer route. (Don't worry Kiki. I won't be offerring up your services! I think you will need years to recover!!)

More than anything though, what I feel as though I can offer is prayers for your family and some consel or just a listening ear when it comes to all the emotional and spiritual struggles that WILL come your way...you just have no idea.

Adopting Nathan is one of the most amazing and powerful things that I have ever been blessed to be a part of. It has also been a stretching, challenging, and at times even breaking experience. Don't let that discourage you from stepping out in faith if this is where you feel as though you are being led in life, but do let it cause you to fall to your knees and pray for strength and protection.

If you don't believe in God...well, He'll still be there for you too. And I pray that you will remember that when you get to your breaking point.

Emotions and Questions

2009-03-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

A dear friend of mine just sent me the blog address of a friend of hers that just got back from a trip taking pictures in Rwanda. My heart twisted in ways that I didn't expect while I read it and looked at the pictures. She spoke of the slums, the poverty, the smell and I found myself becoming defensive...I know those things are there, but that isn't what Rwanda is to me! It is beauty, it is kind, it is hope...then as I kept reading, I found that she saw those things too.

There is a deeper thing going on - a God who is in love with his creation and wants only their good, and so in small ways, he brings it to them. There is resilliance and hope written everywhere. You have only to look into the eyes of the future of Rwanda to experience it for yourself. Amidst loss, poverty, and struggle there is exceeding beauty.

My son is from Africa. I still think of him as Rwandese despite his US citizenship. I think of him as that too, an American, but I think that it is so important to not lose sight of where God started his sweet little life.

Some of her pictures brought tears to my eyes, two in particular. Not because of the poverty or the dire situations, but because they looked like my son. One picture is of an infant...so similar to a picture we have of my boy in his first few months. Another of a little boy looking up at the camera...much older than Nate, but with my son's eyes. They look like brothers...

My son's history is now a part of my own. The scars that I saw on the hands and faces of the people (perhaps the result of a machete during the genocide) have found a place on my heart. These people are now my people. Because even though I sit now at my computer, in my cozy suburban Kansas home, I know that while the Lord in His mysterious ways lifted my son out of those hills and on to our flat plains, Nathan has family still there. I have family still there. Perhaps his birth mother is walking right now, balancing her jerry can on her head, like so many others. Perhaps his siblings will go without food today...

The other day as Nate crawled across our floor (although he is walking quite a bit now), I turned to my older girls and I said, "Do you girls realize that if God had not brought Nathan to us, if he was still with his birth family, that he would probably be crawling around naked on a dirt floor right now?" Can we really grasp that? And what does that mean for us? And what does that say about God?

I will ponder these questions for the rest of my life. I will experience emotions and thoughts when I view these pictures in a way that I never would have if I couldn't look in the face of my son and visibly see those same big eyes...

Adoption has changed my life and I know that I'm not even exactly sure how yet. Right now I tend to just find myself overwhelmed most of the time...still emotionally exhausted from the process we jumped into last year and physically exhausted by my four kids...but my spirit...that is what is really changing. The Lord is using this to change me and only time will tell what this journey will all mean.

Another small change.

2009-01-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

This may sound strange to some of you, but the other day I realized that Nate didn't smell anymore. I was sitting there holding him, when all of a sudden I teared up and told Anthony, "he doesn't smell anymore".

It's not that Nate had smelled bad, but I remember when I got him saying to my friends that I couldn't wait for him to start smelling like us so that I could no longer smell him. Do you know what I mean? And it took a long time. I remember in those first few weeks when we were home still breaking down and crying because he just didn't smell like us yet. He still smelled like the little orphan boy and I desperately wanted that to change.

So, now the smell is gone. And now I am noticing that I think less and less of him as the little boy that we adopted from Africa. There are still moments when it really strikes me, when I am so aware of how far removed from the life he was born into he is. And I'm sure that there will always be times in the future when it hits me...graduations, weddings, when he goes out on the court for his first basketball game as a Jayhawk. (Okay, so I'm dreaming a bit, but what Kansan doesn't?!) And I have to say that I want to continue to have those moments. They are so important. To remember. To be able to see the work God has done in this. But at the same time...I'm glad he doesn't smell anymore.

It's about time!

2009-01-14T17:17:00.001-08:00

So, I guess it is about time I updated! I'm sorry I'm just now getting to it. My brain has been in such a fog...

I just messaged my friend Kiki. She had sent me a note the other day asking how things have been going...I thought you all might be wondering too. So...

Things have continued to get better and better. More than two months have passed since Nate and I came home. It's crazy. Two months of waiting seemed to go on and on. And now as I look back, I'm stuck with that strange feeling of being amazed that it has already been two months, while at the same time feeling like life without Nathan was so long ago.

So many changes have happened in the last two months. Nate just seems to change by the minute. Some of the things seem big, others little. Some others wouldn't notice, while they just blow me away.

Anyway, so I figured I would share a few with you...

Cruising: When I was first with Nate at the end of October, he wasn't even a steady crawler, but now he is all over the place and into everything. "No, Nate" is heard all day long in our house. Even Lucy (a girl of still only a few words) reminds him of the things he shouldn't touch with a loud "No, Nay!".

Eating: I have wondered if Nate was only spoon fed before he was with us, because he had absolutely no fine motor skills, but now he's doing so much self feeding, which as the mother of four hungry children, is a huge deal!

Health: We are still working on his congestion, but it is way better and the spit up is almost completely gone. Only someone who has cared for a spitty baby can appreciate how exhausting cleaning spit up can be, especially when the babe is mobile.

Teeth: He has four new ones, which incidentally came in at the same time as four of Lucy's. That was fun.

Laughing: This is one of those things for me. You see, I remember those first few days trying to get him to smile. And I remember the first time when my tickling finally succeeding in producing a laugh. It filled my heart so much then. It still does that now.

Bonding: In some ways it was easy to bond at first. Well, not the first 24 hours maybe, but during our time in Africa at least. I think that we needed to because we were all each other had. We were both scared and overwhelmed...but now, we are bonding not out of survival, but because we are mother and son. We drive each other crazy one moment and the next we are cuddling or playing a game. And with the girls, well, the older girls it has always been easy with, but seeing how far Nate and Lucy have come is so amazing. Lucy is in a kissing stage and Nate is always ready to lay a sloppy one on ya', so they have become quite the little pair! (I'll try to capture and post a pic on the family blog soon.) And they are just beginning to play together so well. There's just nothing quite like seeing your kids become friends.

So, anyway...life is good here at the Dummermuths. Not perfect, constantly changing and truly sweet.

Transperancy

2008-12-16T07:15:00.001-08:00

It's hard to know how to share all of this. But I wanted to take the time to do so in case some of you were either taking this journey, considering it, or if you know someone else who has/is...I'm sure most all of you fall under that.

This journey has been so much harder than I could have ever imagined. I've done both...given birth and adopted and I have to say, adopting is so much more...overwhelming. Now, granted we haven't ever really struggled in getting pregnant, and I won't even pretend to know how hard that is. And my pregnancies may have been long and well, swollen, but really not bad. And my labors, well, I didn't ever use any drugs, so that was tough, but all in all they were good labors and I can't complain. And while I have struggled with the aftermath physically (read stretch marks, extra weight, and skin that I tuck into my pants), still it just doesn't quite compare to the overwhelming nature of adoption.

What I first discovered about adoption is how lonely it can be. It's paperwork that is done at home and sent to offices of people that you never meet. It feels chaotic and yet is so quiet. And while the people close to you occasionally ask how things are going, the reality is that many of them are asking half-assed and are maybe even a little unsure that anything is going to come from what you are doing. It's easy for them to deny it...they don't see anything happening...

I would walk around feeling very "pregnant" in so many ways and yet no one knew. No stranger asked me when I was due (or as often happen in my case...Please tell me there are two in there! No, there aren't...) or even awkwardly looked at me wondering if I was indeed pregnant or if I needed to lay off the Ben&Jerry's. It was so so lonely.

And even I struggled with connecting to the process. Maybe it was because I have done it the other way. I know what it is like to feel every movement. It effects your whole day when your pregnant...what you can and can't do, or eat. You have constant physical reminders from puking to trying to figure out how to get off the couch. But in adoption, it feels like so much more than paperwork and yet, it feels like only paperwork.

But then it happened...we were matched and I went. And that was maybe the loneliest time. Sure I had my friends (but not Anthony) and I was there with Nathan, but it was such an overwhelming trip and I had this new baby and I was trying to bond with him and fight to bring him home and take him to this doctor and that embassy and it was so hard, but I did it and we got home and I was tired and needed a good cry...

And now here I am, the mother of four and it has been hard to find the time to cry. It's been hard to take the time to process it all. It's been hard to sort through all the emotions. And people will come up to me and ask how Nate's adjusting and I want to scream at them, what about me?! He's adjusted great, but I've struggled. And it took weeks for me to really see how much I was struggling and really begin to just seek out for myself and talk about it with Anthony and others.

But now I am coming through the fog and I look at this boy and I smile. And I love to tickle him and make him laugh. Or watch him learn and try new things. And I am enjoying my girls...they bring me so much joy. I'm always on the edge of losing it, what mother of four, four and under, isn't?! But I am pressing on and I am doing well.

This last weekend was so great for us as a family. Just really fun. And at one point I looked over at Anthony and teared up and said to him, "I think we are okay."

God is so good and so present. Doing this without Him, well, I just don't understand how people think they do do it without Him because I know that even in those times when He has been far from my mind, His hand has still been on me. I look back on things and can't deny it. I would have crumbled if it weren't for Him. But with Him we are doing okay and will even do great...and I have a lot of hope in that.

Almost Done.

2008-12-16T07:11:00.001-08:00

There is always something...

So, since we have been home we've known that there would be a little bit of legal stuff left to do. We needed to make sure Nate became a citizen and that he became Nathan, since his name is legally still IRAKOZE Daniel (Daniel being his first name). But we have seen a lawyer and he is filing what needs to be filed. Nate was already made a citizen through the process, so that was good to know and hopefully in the next few weeks he will officially be Nathan Irakoze Dummermuth.

It will be nice to have all the legal stuff done.

Family Blog

2008-11-26T18:12:00.000-08:00

Make sure to check out our family blog now too as Nate is not just an adoption story, he's one of us! (I'll be posting there later tonight pics from the little man's birthday today.)

Finally airport pictures!

2008-11-22T05:28:00.000-08:00

Sorry it has been a while! We were hit with the stomach flu and just life in general and I have used every spare minute I have to crash on the couch lately, but here I am! Finally...

Here are the photos that I have longed to show. It's the moments that we first spent together as a family of six. This is the moment that I had dreamt about as I thought about the adoption. It was never about the first time that I would see Nathan, but rather the first time I was able to share him with Anthony and the girls (and all our family) that I just ached for.

It was such an emotional moment, getting off the airplane and seeing our family behind the glass. Coming out of the gate into to the arms of my husband. Bending down to show the girls their new brother. Just the tears and the hugs and the joy and sighs of relief. What an amazing, amazing moment...certainly something not easy to capture, but here are a few pics. I'll try and add more another day.

A sweet goodbye.

2008-11-10T04:55:00.000-08:00

One of the most amazing moments during our trip was going back to New Hope Homes to say goodbye. It was so emotional and so rewarding. I had been so nervous about going there, wondering how Nathan would react. Wanting desperately for him to choose me over them, but knowing that he had spent 11 months with them and had only known me for a few days.

When we got there the ladies were thrilled to see him. They passed him around, loving on him. I awkwardly tried to express my gratitude for how well they had cared for him through my translator. They were happy, but uncharacteristic of their culture, teary. And then it happened...Nate kept looking back at me and they commented on how he knew who his mama was now. I couldn't help but cry.

It was so amazing to see how loved our boy was before the Lord placed him in our hands. I can't tell you what a comfort that is for my heart.

Here are a few pics from that day...

The truth...our first day.

2008-11-09T16:33:00.000-08:00

If I could only take you back to the first day that we were in Rwanda (Friday, the 24th)...I'll try to explain to you the emotion that went into it, although I'm not sure how words can even begin to capture it,

I had been so excited. As our plane landed in Kigali, I was nearly jumping out of my skin. I couldn't believe that we were finally there. I wondered if Chantal would bring Nathan to the airport. He could be there right now, I thought.

When we got down to get our bags, I looked out into the crowd of people. I saw Kiki and Oliviana. Then I saw Chantal...but no Nate. No big deal, I thought. I'll see him soon enough. We got our bags, loaded everything in Kiki's car and I turned to Kiki and Chantal with so much anticipation and asked, "So, what's the plan?". They looked at each other and then said..."We've got bad news..."

I can't even begin to tell you how my heart stopped in that moment. They went on to explain that there was a problem because our non-objection letter stated that we should adopt from a specific orphanage, which wasn't the one Nate was from. We had known about this way back when we got it, but we had been assured that it was just a recommendation. And now here I was in Rwanda to pick Nathan up and they were saying that I had to start the whole process over with another orphanage and another child. Of course, the judge had already ruled and he was legally mine, so in order to start over (which was in my mind not an option) I would have to legally abandon this sweet boy. And yet the government was also saying that I couldn't leave the country with him...it was just all so unreal.

So, this is how the week started. We immediately headed over to the Minister's office (the one who was saying tough luck) and had our first of 6 meetings with various people in that office. We weren't given much hope that day. In fact, it wasn't until that next Monday afternoon when we finally believed that the letter would be given and Nate and I would be able to leave.

But it was that Friday afternoon, after my first meeting that I went to meet my son. I had all these emotions swirling through my heart and mind. Fear, anger, frustration, excitement, love...it's overwhelming to even try to remember it all. We drove up to the home he lived at and could hear a baby screaming...it was my baby and scream is what he did that whole day. I don't know if there was already something wrong or if he was scared and confused...all I know is that I was in Africa, away from my sweet husband, in a fight with a government that I didn't understand, with a baby who seemed beyond comfort...I wept that night. I wept harder than I can remember doing for a long time. I cried out to my God for His mercy, favor, and help. And today as I sit in my home, far from Rwanda, with ALL my children and husband playing downstairs, I can't tell you how thankful I am that He heard me.

I tried to post a video of our first meeting, but couldn't get it to work, but here is a picture. It gives a pretty good idea of how he was...screaming. It's a bittersweet picture for me.

Pictures are coming!!

2008-11-09T15:34:00.001-08:00

Well, I have finally been given a bunch of pictures, so keep checking back! I'm planning to try and post some pictures and stories from this whole experience over the next few days. Hope you enjoy it!

Pictures from today.

2008-11-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't had much luck getting our families to send us pics from last night, but here are a few that we took of the kids today at our neighborhood park.

I'll try and post some from our homecoming when I get a few!!

Nate is not quite as big as Lucy, but I have a feeling she'll be the smallest again before too long.

We take up all the swings now!

Nate really enjoyed the swings. It's so fun to be able to introduce him to new experiences.

The girls have been a great help so far. They are always trying to find ways to take care of him.

As usual, we couldn't get any of them to actually look at the camera for a picture. It was really windy out there though.

FINALLY!!!

2008-11-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

We're home!! Pictures to come...I promise!

Update from Ethiopia

2008-11-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

I asked Anthony to post this for me since I haven't been able to get on my blog here in Ethiopia. So, here's our update...

I can't even begin to tell you how excited we were to finish things up in Rwanda and finally get on a plane. I truly love Rwanda...it is the country that gave me my son...but we needed to move on, to finish that part of the journey.

And now, here we are in Ethiopia. And what a roller coaster it has been here! With each great turn we have been met with a setback. Here are a couple examples...

Our hotel here is beautiful and the bathroom alone is worth the splurge. Why is the bathroom so important? Well, Rachel and I have both had the stomach flu and I actually spent Thursday night sleeping on that floor!

We are no longer dealing with a foreign government, so all the cultural misunderstandings that we experienced in Rwanda are gone. Unfortunately, our own government workers, okay, just this guy from the consulate, was thoughtless enough to give me some misinformation which caused us to miss a deadline yesterday by an hour and a half which would have sent us home this Sunday rather than our scheduled departure on Tuesday!

So, while we are on schedule and glad that we'll be making this whole trip in just two weeks, both Rachel and I ache to be home. But we are trying to take it all in stride. Finally feeling a bit better and resting up for the big trip back.

I can't wait for you all to meet Nathan. He's such a sweet boy with an incredible little smile. He's stolen my heart and while this all has been far from easy, I'm so thankful that God chose Anthony and I to be such an important part of this amazing little boy's life.

Well, I'll try to update again at the airport on our way home. There is still so much I want to share...

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. They mean so much to us!

Travel Letter? CHECK!!

2008-10-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

Well, today was like so many other days...busy. But in the end, I got our travel letter, which means that I am finally free to leave the country with Nathan. So, tomorrow morning after a little shopping and a quick stop by New Hope Homes to say goodbye, all we have left to do is pick up his passport, get a form from the US Embassy (both of which are supposed to be ready for us to pick up...we'll see) and then a lunch with Brad, Kiki, and Oliviana before we jump on a plane and head for Ethiopia.

After all the issues that we have had since we got here (it is taking 11 meetings or trips to various offices to accomplish our 3 tasks!), it is crazy to think that we are still leaving here on schedule!

Anyway, I don't have any pictures today (I've barely been at the house), I tried to download a video, but it isn't going to let me. So, off to bed...you'll have to wait until we get home to see more pictures or for some of you...the little guy in person!

Meetings...meetings...meetings...

2008-10-27T12:32:00.000-07:00

First off...thanks for those of you who have commented on my blog or emailed. Things have been such a roller coaster and each word from you all is such an encouragement. Keep them coming!

Oh, how I wish I could just purge all the words that are in me right now about what today was like. It was a constant day with meeting after meeting after meeting...and still no travel letter. We were told that if we bring in a copy of something (with a small correction) tomorrow to the office, that the letter would be given to us. Our plan is also for me to go to the US Embassy in the morning to get what I need to done there, pick up the travel letter, and get Nate his passport...at that point we will be done and ready for our flight on Wednesday. We can't wait! Even though we will still have a while in Ethiopia, it will feel so much more permanent to have him out of Rwanda.

Anyway, here are a few pics from today. Nate's flexibility kills me! We think it is from being carried on the backs of the women who have cared for him. And it may seem strange, but little things like having him in clothing that I bought and cutting his fingernails have done so much to make him seem more like my son then the orphan that he was.

Another day!

2008-10-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

Today had its ups and downs, but it was mostly good. I was able to go to a church service and hear the Lord praised in Nate's native tongue. It was amazing.

Tomorrow is a big day for us. So, be praying. I'll explain another time what all has been going on out here, but with this being public blog, there are times I need to guard what I say. Just know that we covet your prayers.

I'll try to post again tomorrow!

Yesterday.

2008-10-26T05:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I couldn't post last night because the internet wouldn't work, so here is an update from yesterday...

What a great day! Okay, I'll confess now that our first day together was harder than I could have ever imagined. The sweet little man just seemed confused and scared. He cried and cried. But yesterday was the exact opposite. I just felt as though every minute he was getting more and more comfortable and more and more his self. He has really taken to me now and is just has the sweetest little personality. Oh, and does he ever love to cuddle!

Anyway, here are a couple of pics from yesterday. I'll try to post again tonight with some pics from today. Oh, and you can't really tell in the pic, but he is all out screaming in the tub as I pour water over his head!

Finally...

2008-10-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well, today has been emotionally exhausting. We are already deep in the middle of things...it's hard to know what to say, mostly because there is so much. So, I guess I'll just leave you with a couple of pics for today and use words when I find them...

Leaving...

2008-10-22T04:51:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm off! The day is finally here. I can't believe it. I mean, truly, I'm in absolute shock I think. I'm excited and I'm nervous. I just can't believe it. My bags are all packed. My goodbyes just a couple hours ahead of me. And a sweet little hello on Friday that I have dreamed of for so long.

I'll post again as soon as I can!!

Teetering...

2008-10-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

One moment I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I fly around the house getting things all together...for the trip and for Anthony and the girls. I think about holding my boy, about bringing him home...I'm filled with hope and just a gitty excitement...

The next moment I am in tears. I stare at the things that I have left to accomplish and I don't know what to do next. I feel overwhelmed by little tasks that probably don't matter anyway. I listen to the girls giggling with their sweet Dad and hear Lucy say a new word every day...today's was "movie"...and I'm heartbroken that I have to leave them. I'm overwhelmed by all that is happening...

I'm so thankful for a God that is eternally constant and yet able to join in my excitement and tears. I'm so thankful for a God who is never overwhelmed and who already knows how each moment of this will go. I'm so thankful for a God who holds me as I teeter while at the same time He holds my little boy. I'm so thankful for a God who is so big and so good that I can't even wrap my mind around how incredibly big and good He is.

What a ride we are on...I'm just so thankful that I trust the Driver.

Dates!!

2008-10-16T05:56:00.000-07:00

Well, the tickets will officially be purchased today and next Friday, when my sweet family wakes up here in Kansas, I will be in the Land of a Thousand Hills!!

Our itinerary has us leaving next Wednesday morning and getting back November 5th, so we'll be praying that we can stick to that schedule while we are there. Two weeks would actually be pretty fast to get all this done, but it should be possible...we'll see I guess.

Anyway, we are beyond excited to be talking in terms of "next Wednesday"! It's coming. It's finally coming!

Waiting...

2008-10-14T11:20:00.001-07:00

The good news is that this time I am just waiting for the travel agency to get back to me about my itinerary!! That's right all is a go and next week I will hold my boy for the first time. Unbelievable!

Pictures of Nate getting our gift...

2008-10-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

Passport Photos and Update.

2008-10-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here is the latest update...

Tickets aren't bought yet, although I am still hoping to leave in a week and a half. There always seems to be some issue that comes up, as happened this week, once again delaying the process. Our hope now is that the notaries will be done on Monday and everything will be handed in on Tuesday. Thank You, God, for Kiki. She has done so much for us. So hopefully there won't be any more glitches. There is one small issue that we are concerned about with his passport, but for now I'll just ask that you be praying that it will be a non-issue...I'll update that once we know if it is going to be something that affects us.

Anyway, so, Kiki was able to see Nate on Friday. She took him to get his passport photos and also gave him a few things that we had left for him...a stuffed monkey and photos of all of us. They are going to put the photos of us in his crib and I can't help but cry, knowing that he has finally seen our faces. Kiki also told us that he has started crawling...I hate that I'm missing things...

So, here are his passport photos WHICH I LOVE! I'm also going to post a few more pics in another entry soon. Enjoy!

This week.

2008-10-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

Messaged with Kiki this morning...

Tomorrow: Brad is going to go pick up all of the paperwork from our attorney.

Wednesday: Kiki is planning to get the notaries.

Thursday and/or Friday: the dropping off of the copies at Immigration and the Ministry.

Then its tickets to be bought...packing to be finished...and a flight to Africa to hold my boy and then bring him home! Just a couple of weeks to go!

Little update.

2008-10-03T17:50:00.001-07:00

Well, we got through this week. I thought it would go on forever...this waiting for Kiki to get back in town to finish the adoption up...but it really hasn't.

I used this week to start gathering the things together that I need to take with me for Nate. It feels good to be doing a little packing even if the trip is still a few weeks away. I've enjoyed folding all his little clothes that we have, picking the couple of toys that will be good to have along, just thinking about being there with him in general...it's amazing.

So, hopefully the next time I write it will be to say that we have at least the notaries done and are one step closer to buying those tickets.

I just can't wait!!

CHECK OFF TWO and last steps.

2008-09-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

COMPLETE AND LEGAL...Nathan is officially ours. I got an email from our lawyer this morning letting us know that the decision is in and the adoption has been ruled complete. Praise God!

So, what's next? Well, we wait...I know, shocking. Kiki is unfortunately out of town all next week, and I don't have anyone else who can help me until she gets back. When she is back though...

Step three...Notaries. She gets all the papers notarized and then..

Step four...drops a copy off at the Minister of Gender and Family promotion to ask for our travel document (stating we are parents and not child traffickers) and to Immigration to start processing his Rwandan passport. At this point, we can buy our tickets to leave about two weeks later. Crazy!!

Can't believe how close we are finally getting...Nate turned 10 months today.

Court

2008-09-24T05:41:00.000-07:00

I was able to hunt down our lawyer's email address yesterday and emailed her last night. This morning there was an email from her saying that everything went well and we should hopefully know on Friday. So exciting!

Court and yesterday.

2008-09-22T05:50:00.000-07:00

Well, hopefully court went well this morning. I've debated as to whether or not I should call our lawyer to make sure that it went okay. But after having to call about an issue with the birth certificate (she needed the original, not jut a copy) and having so much trouble understanding each other...I don't know. Maybe I'll make Anthony call. = ) I promise to update if we do find something out.

Yesterday was a crazy day. Anthony and I were asked to speak briefly in front of the church about our adoption. It was so emotional to say the least. We had to walk up there with a picture of Nate on the screen...it was tough, but such an honor. And people were so encouraging to us afterwards. There have been times when this process has felt so lonely and it was so nice to have people encouraging us the way they did yesterday. I think we are going to the Olathe campus next week to do it for their services...

Yesterday was also the day of the shower that my dear frieds, Jeni and Leslie, threw for me. It was so fun to have so many of my girlfriends together and they were so generous in providing us with some blue things for our house! A handful also donated some money to New Hope Homes, which was just so amazing. The homes need so much and fundraising can be tough to do. I was really touched by those who gave so generously.

Court date.

2008-09-12T07:41:00.000-07:00

So...true to form, each piece of news we receive seems to push things back a bit.

Our court date is set for September 22nd. The ruling should take 1-2 weeks (let's hope not any longer than that!), so when Kiki gets back from her trip she will take things to be notarized and hand them over to Immigration (passport) and the Minister of Gender and Family Promotion (travel document). Hopefully she will be able to get this all done by October 10th. The passport is supposed to take 10 business days to be completed...so, right now we are looking at going the weekend of October 25th.

I'm a bit teary today. Nathan will be about 11 months when I get there, if we are even able to go by then. It's just really tough. I'm sure that once we have him here, we will be able to look past these weeks that we are missing with him, but right now...it just breaks my heart.

Here are a few more pictures that Kiki took of him the other day. The woman holding him is one of the mamas at New Hope Homes. I like that one because it gives a better idea of his size. I just can't wait to have of picture of me holding him.

Step Two update.

2008-09-10T07:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Kiki meets with our lawyer. The hope is that they can get a court date set in just a few days. Keep praying. We have also heard that for another adoption that was ruled on in that particular court, the actual ruling didn't come down for 2-3 weeks after the court date. This would also set us back weeks. Please pray that things go much quicker than anticipated. I'm just so ready to get out there.

Pictures and cuddle time!

2008-09-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

Kiki took Nate to the doctor today. She said that he is 18.3 lbs, can sit okay, but doesn't crawl or stand yet. She said he was quiet, not really even making a peep when they drew blood. He has a cough and she got a prescription filled for him. The main reason we wanted her to take him to the doctor was that that was the only way she could spend any time with him and I have desperately needed to have her cuddle him for me and tell him that we are coming.

My favorite thing that she wrote (read, that which made me cry the most) was...

At one point while we were waiting, I was standing and cuddling him, singing him "Jesus loves you" and telling him about his mom and dad, and how much you love him. He fell asleep. He's so sweet.

And now for some pictures. Notice the missing "crazy" hair...oh, how I wish that I could hold him!

Step Two

2008-09-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

Court. So, here is what I am hearing. Right now, Kiki is looking for a lawyer for us to use for the court work. The lawyer will then set a date to go before the court. When this will be depends a lot on the district that the court we need to use is in. This is where we are in major need of prayer...the court date could be next week or next month. Please please pray that we quickly find a lawyer and get a date set soon. Kiki leaves next Thursday, so our time is running out before things will get pushed back into late October.

The other thing you can be praying for is Kiki's health. She's felt awful today and not only do I need her healthy to get the legal stuff done, but she is planning to pick Nate up tomorrow to take him to the doctor to have some medical reports made, which obviously she can't do if she is sick. I'm in such need for her to hold him...I can't even begin to explain it to you. So, please pray for her.

I'll update again when we know more about the court, get a lawyer and a court date set. So, hopefully soon.

CHECK OFF ONE and Step Two

2008-09-08T05:48:00.000-07:00

Finally, we can actually check something off the list! I heard from Kiki this morning and she has our Act of Adoption in her hand. I can't even begin to tell you how good that makes us feel. We'll take our moment to celebrate that, but in reality it is right on to the next step.

Step Two: Court. I'll know a little bit more about this step tomorrow after Kiki meets with a friend who has helped with a number of adoptions in Rwanda. From what I remember though, this is where we hire a lawyer and Kiki goes before the judge who will rule our adoption as complete and legal. I think that those two words are my favorite words right now. How sweet will that be when our adoption of Nate is complete and legal.

I'll keep you posted...praise God for good news today!

Progress.

2008-09-05T06:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I can't quite check this first step off the list, but we are so close. Kiki was able to get everything signed and paid for on our end of things (including a needed signature from one of the mamas at Nate's house), but, of course, the one guy that needed to sign and stamp the document to make it all official had already left without doing so. So, she is going back on Monday to get that done. So, almost...

The good news was that Chantal's signature wasn't needed, so we are able to continue the process without her being there. This has been our biggest concern because if it was needed then we were going to have to wait until she got back mid-October before we could move forward in the process. As is, we are moving right on "schedule" and things are looking promising. Keep praying though.

I'll update things again when I know what the next step will look like.

Well...

2008-09-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

Let's just say that when I saw that the subject of Kiki's email was "a typical day in Rwanda" I knew we were in trouble...

Long story short, she was able to get the documents she needed from New Hope Homes, but after being sent from one government office to another, with one guy writing an "official" letter and the next guy throwing it out, she finally got to the right office (which incidentally was the first office she had gone to to begin with). There she found out that there was some valuable and very big book with big pages that she needs to take with an escort to a certain copy place 20 minutes from that office that makes big copies...tomorrow morning.

So, hopefully tomorrow this will get finished. There still is a little concern that there will need to be a signature from Chantal...please pray that this will not be an issue.

Oh, the one fun thing that she was able to share with us though, is that Nate's birthday is November 26th, 2007. I can't even begin to tell you how that makes us feel to know that little fact.

Take Two.

2008-09-03T04:53:00.000-07:00

None of the paperwork seems to be where it is supposed to be, so Kiki wasn't able to even go to the office today.

Not a good first step...we're praying that tomorrow will go better.

Legwork: Step One

2008-09-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here we go...

Wednesday it begins. Our paperwork is in Rwanda (so says my tracking on usps.com) and hopefully Nate's paperwork was left ready for Kiki to pick up at one of New Hope's homes. Our plan is for Kiki to go with all the paperwork on Wednesday to the district office and complete the "Act of Adoption". Here are our prayer requests reguarding it...

1. That Kiki is able to get all the paperwork together.
2. That she is able to easily find the right office.
3. That there will be someone there who can speak English since Kiki's Kinyarwanda isn't great.
4. That there won't be any issues with Kiki going on her own (rather than having Chantal there with her).

Okay, I think that is it. Rwanda is about 7 hours ahead of us, so hopefully I will have some news to report by Wednesday afternoon.

I'm insanely excited and nervous. I'm trusting that God's hand continues to be on all of this. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Hopefully my next update will be to check off Step One!

Oh, you may have noticed that there is no mention of the doctor's appointment (and therefore no new pics), this is mostly because we were told the appointment isn't necessary and while we still hope to fit it in, we are working on getting the must do's done first.

Update.

2008-08-28T18:58:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update as to where we are in the process...

Next week is when we hope that things will really start rolling for us. Hopefully Kiki will be picking Nathan up and taking him to the doctor for us to have some medical reports made. I'm going to ask her to take some pictures of him for us too, so hopefully I'll have some new ones to post next week.

Kiki will also be getting all the other paperwork that she will be needing to start going to all the offices and courts that she needs to in the early part of next week. Pray that there won't be any issues with the paperwork and that Kiki will be able to move quickly through the process. She has about five things on her list to do for us (six including the doctor's appointment) and she leaves town on September 18th until October 5th. Our hope is that she will have gotten all that she needs to done so that I can schedule our flights to head out there as soon as she gets back in October. When I look at the list it seems so very possible, but prayer is greatly needed. You just never know what bumps may lie ahead.

And pray for Kiki too. She has a family and a life outside of us that she needs to tend to and she has not been feeling well this week. We need to lean heavily on her right now. Pray God gives her the strength she needs.

So, hopefully next week we will have some good things to report! And pictures...I can't wait to have some more pictures.

Came and went...

2008-08-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

Our approval letter finally came today. There was a slip in our door when the girls and I got home from the park this morning for something that we needed to sign for. I quickly called Anthony and had him run over to the post office and get it, just hoping that it was finally our letter. And it was...it actually came.

And now it is on its way back to Africa. We (after a celebratory lunch with my folks) took it and our power of attorneys to the post office and mailed them to our friend Kiki who will be doing a lot of our leg work over in Rwanda. Finally we can begin the process of the actual adoption...another step closer to having our son home.

The last few days have been really tough. One of my sister-in-law's was over the other night and was talking about her cousin's baby who is Nate's age. She was saying how he is pulling up on things...I wonder what Nathan is doing. I hate that I am missing things. I'm ready to go now. I don't want to miss another moment. We're praying for speed and efficiency in these finally stages. We're so ready to have him here with us.

Another picture.

2008-08-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

So, here is another more recent pic of our little man. My dear friend Anna is the one holding him. Anna goes to our church and is close friends with Chantal. She just got back from visiting Chantal and was there when things were falling into place for us, so when she held him in this picture she was pretty sure that he was going to be our son. Pretty awesome, huh?

I went over to her house today after church and we chatted about things and she gave me this picture. It was so great to sit down with her, someone who has cuddled my son, and ask her questions about him. Sounds like he is such a sweet little baby. Although I do use "little" lightly. If he isn't already bigger than Lu, I have a feeling he will be soon!

Oh, and a fun little fact about this picture is that right after it was taken, Nate spit up all over Anna and she smelled for the rest of the day. Sounds like one of my babies! = )

Meet our Nathan...

2008-08-08T19:07:00.000-07:00

What a dream we are in. We feel so blessed. We finally have a face to a boy that we have loved for so many years. It's a beautiful face. And that hair! Elise calls it his "crazy hair".

We don't have many details about our sweet boy yet, but I promise to post them as soon as we do. We think he was born sometime at the end of November last year, so that would make him about 8 months old. We are just so excited to learn more about him and still can't believe that this is really happening.

We're still ironing out the details as to when I will be going over to get him. But for now we are just enjoying the chance to look at his sweet face, to show the girls their brother...Adele and Elise are just so excited and keep asking to see a picture of their "baby brother" again...and to begin thinking about life as a family of six. It's truly amazing. We are truly blessed.

I'm including a couple of pictures of him when he was smaller. He came to New Hope Homes when he was a week old, so there is a picture of him then. I also found one of him when he is about two months old. We are so lucky to have pictures of him when he was small. I'm just overwhelmed right now.

Deep Breath.

2008-08-05T05:49:00.000-07:00

Approved...actually "non objection", but whatever. So, this isn't the official, official word, that will come in the mail in a couple of weeks, but we have had it confirmed a couple of times now, so I feel confident enough to blog it.

I can't even begin to explain to you the chaos that has been the last 24 hours for us. The death drop of this roller coaster that we have been on since April. But now, we can take a deep breath. As it is looking right now, we won't be completing the adoption until later this fall, for a variety of reasons. But that's okay, we are glad to know that it is truly going to happen and we are going to enjoy this planning stage that we are now in.

God has truly blessed us. We will have our little Nate before we know it. And while I hate the fact that there is still going to be so much time before we will be able to hold him, we will hold him, and I praise God for that.

Melissa

2008-08-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

I met Melissa through the internet. Just found her through a group about adoption in Rwanda. Last fall, she adopted a little boy from the orphanage Anthony and I visited. Two other couples from her church have also adopted from there. She and her friends have been an absolute wealth of information and I know in my heart that God has used her in so many ways to help us through this. Her encouragement, her prayers, her advice, her insight...simply priceless.

Today is one of those days where I have really just thanked God for her. After discovering that the email address I had was wrong today, I sent some emails to my contacts in Rwanda and then called Melissa. She got right on it and after talking with the other couples from her church, was able to get me the right address. My email is now sitting in an Inbox in Rwanda, dying to be opened, read, and responded to.

Melissa has also been a reality check for me time and again. So, rather than expecting to hear back Monday, I'll be looking for their decision on Tuesday. That's just how things are.

I hope that I get to meet Melissa in person someday. I hope our sons get to play together. I'm thankful to be able to share this journey with someone who has been there. Someone who truly understands my heart, my struggles. Someone whose joy I hope to understand soon, when I get to hold my son the way she has held her own.

Another day...

2008-08-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

The answer always seems to be another day. When I finally heard from Chantal today, it was that I was to call a certain lady in the Minister's office to get her email address so that I can email her so that she can email me their decision. I know, I know...

So, I called her. (Don't have international calling on our phone, but did it anyway...twice.) We finally seemed to be able to get things communicated that I would email her and on MONDAY she would check the decision when she was in her office and email me back. Of course, the email address that we fought to communicate with each other through our language barrier ended up being wrong and now I have all my friends that might be able to find out the real address, running around trying to see if they can get it. I just don't have the heart to try calling again.

I'm disappointed. I haven't slept well the last two nights. I've had so many dreams and just been restless. MONDAY. I want to hope, but it's hard. I'll keep hoping anyway, but today my heart is sick...again.

24 hours.

2008-07-25T09:16:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how things can change in just 24 hours. Today I received some really encouraging emails. Sounds like I won't be calling next week after all because Chantal will be finding out the actual decision for us at the end of the week! I was shaking when I read her email...so ready, so hopeful.

Chantal also told me that the other family she has been helping got their travel documents and will be leaving with their children on Tuesday. So, that means that we know of 4 children's adoptions being completed this next week. Crazy!

Things are looking up. Keep praying.

Another week...

2008-07-24T05:34:00.000-07:00

Today hurts...some days just really hurt and today I am really struggling...

I'm sure you can guess that a decision hasn't been made yet. I guess that they had a really busy week this week and are saying that a decision will be made next week...I can't even begin to explain to you how hard it is to have someone else deciding whether or not you can have a child. Not to mention a child that is already so completely knit into our hearts and life. It's just heartbreaking hard.

The little bit of what I'm choosing to be good news is that it looks like I will be the one calling next week. Even though I'm sure that that is going to be such a hard call to make, I'm hoping that since I am the prospective parent they will just be able to tell me then what their decision is, so that we can begin planning or, frankly, grieving.

We are just so ready to move forward. There is a verse in the Psalms that says "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and each week my heart has just felt sicker. I'm so ready to know. I'm ready for this boy that I named 5 years ago when we found out that we were pregnant with Adele. This son that I began fervently praying for months before even that when my heart ached to be pregnant and the months kept coming and going. It was always a son that I have longed for and although I truly, deeply adore my girls and thank God for the blessings that they are continually in my life, I have always been so aware that our sweet little Nathan has not been able to join us yet. And my heart just aches.

Some good news...

2008-07-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it isn't exactly our news, but it is good news none the less.

So, I can't remember if I mentioned them or not in previous posts, but there was a couple that we met while in Rwanda that is from Wichita and was there to pick up a little girl that they had adopted. We saw them a number of times while we were there...at a restaurant, the US Embassy, and at the orphanage where their daughter has been living. In fact, we even met their sweet girl. Well, long story short, there was some issue with the police reports regarding their daughter's abandonment and after seven weeks of waiting for the okay to take her home, they finally had to leave without her.

Well, so we had seen them at the end of April and just today they finally got word that everything is a go and on Saturday Jeff (the dad) is going to go get her! Praise God! I just can't imagine how they have been feeling all these weeks...I don't want to know either. We are just so thrilled for them.

Okay, so how this does affect us is that this is the first adoption that we have heard of that has actually made it through since the new Minister took office this past spring. This, of course, has given us a renewed sense of hope after twelve long weeks of waiting.

Not yet.

2008-07-18T05:23:00.000-07:00

We got an email this morning from Kiki saying that there hasn't been a response to our case yet. She was told to call back next Thursday...

It's the news we expected, but certainly not the news we hoped for. Keep praying for us.

Another update.

2008-07-13T18:59:00.001-07:00

Okay, so finally a little news...

On Thursday we got an email from my friend Kiki. She had a chance to go to the Minister's office and hunted someone down who was actually able to give us a little information. Basically what it boiled down to was that our paperwork is currently being reviewed and that this coming Friday Kiki is to call the office to find out if our letter stating either our approval or rejection has been sent out. She won't be able to find out what the letter says, but she'll know if it is in the mail. Snail mail that is, so who knows how long that will take to get to us. But the good news is that they are looking at us right now and hopefully we will hear in the next few weeks!

So please pray pray pray. It's so hard knowing that someone is scrutinizing your life and deciding whether or not you can have another child. It makes you think about all the things that are strikes against you...like, are they going to think we are crazy for wanting to adopt when we have a 4, 3, and 1 year old? There is a part of me that wishes that I could sit across the table from the people making this decision and share my heart with them...let them meet my kids and show them the love we have in our little family. But you know what? I believe that God is bigger than all this and either way, He'll lead our family where He thinks is best and I'm good with that.

Well, hopefully I'll have something to post this weekend! Thanks for your prayers!

New Template

2008-06-30T17:54:00.001-07:00

You may, or may not, have noticed that I have once again changed my template. The other one had been fine, but it was like when you paint a wall and you stare at it and it just seems as though it is off a shade, but you choose to just live with it for a while to see if it grows on you...well, I lived with it for a while and every time I looked at it, I was so aware of the fact that it was a shade off.

This one is a shade off too, but I'll live with it for a while and see if it grows on me...

I have begun knitting again and I may or may not have begun painting walls in my house. I can't touch Nate's room yet, so I am attacking other rooms. Anthony is being a great sport about it.

By the way, the shade in that room is perfect. = )

A Healthy Tension.

2008-06-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday marked two months since we handed in our paperwork. We originally were told to expect two to three months before we heard. Then we were given information from people who are in the process that the hope was to make decisions after just one. Well, I guess we now just hope that we hear in the same time frame as everyone else. But if you know me at all, you know my babies like to take their sweet time, so maybe we are in this for a while longer.

Usually I use this blog for just the facts of it all and my other blog for more of my emotions and struggles, but today I wanted to share a bit of my thoughts here...

My spiritual life is in a different place than I have ever found it before. There are a number of reasons for this (I might share more on this another time), but something that has been really sweet for me is just the rest I have found in God. It's as if every time I start to pray or really even think about Him, I sigh. Not a "here we go again" kind of sigh, but one of just rest and peace. Like finally being able to lay on the couch when all the kids are in bed after a tough day...that kind of a sigh. Realizing that has been such a blessing for my soul.

One of the tougher things that I have wrestled with though, revolves around God's character. Waiting is so hard and while I feel as though I have really entered into a place of trust in God's incredible goodness (I don't have to look past those sweet baby girls I have to see that), at the same time I am acutely aware of the fact that God often allows us to go through trials and heartache. I know that God sees the bigger picture, the one that I can't possibly see. That He sees the end of this and knows the goodness of it all. But I don't and I can't. And the reality is that I may never be able to look back while on this earth and see the goodness of it all. Little things here and there, of course, I see that now, as I stated above, but the tension of my understanding that His ways are so much greater than my ways and His thoughts than my thoughts, is what can keep me up at night.

I think that having faith is full of these healthy tensions. The true trust in a good God, but the knowledge that He isn't (as C.S. Lewis put it) safe is just one of them. And its one that causes me to be in awe of my huge God and to weep at my own confusion.

Two months and one day...maybe it will be tomorrow...only God knows.

Update.

2008-05-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I was scolded this morning by my lovely sister-in-law for not updating this. So, out of my love for Emily, here's a little update...

It's been hard for me to know what to write the last few weeks. Since right now we are mostly just in a time of waiting there hasn't been much to say. But here are the few things that I've got for you...

First of all, a praise. New Hope Homes is now in a position where we will be able to adopt from them upon our approval. This is such exciting news for us as we fell in love with the homes during our trip. Right now they are working on the adoption of some of their children by another family, so I'll be anxious to here how that all works out.

Now the areas we need prayer...

Right now we are still waiting to hear that the right office has our paperwork. We had turned things into one office (which is where you are supposed to take things) and they are in turn supposed to hand it over to the office that actually makes the decisions. And as of last week, this hand off had still not occured. So, we could use some prayer concerning that.

I think I may have mentioned before that there is a new minister that is in charge of all the adoptions and so there have been little changes in their "policy" that have occured while we have been doing this. It has made things so much more up in the air. We're just not sure how all of this is going to affect us. It makes it a little tough sometimes because there is so much uncertainty, but we are clinging to the fact that God's hand has been upon us through this process so far, and no matter what decision is made, He will continue to be with us. But we do need prayer that we find favor with the right people. We did actually meet the one person who seems like the most important person to have met in the office while we were there, so praise God for that.

Well, so that's really it for now. We are just waiting and praying and hoping and trusting. I'll let you know as things move forward.