Last night I had a dream that I was in Burundi. The committee that matches prospective parents and children was meeting and we were chosen as one of the families to be matched, but there was no child that could be matched with us. They were going to meet again and we were praying that one of the many children they were looking at would be a match. I was standing there with other families, all hoping...
And then I woke up.
I was hopeful and heartbroken all over again.
It comes in waves. Moments when I feel so hopeful and I feel so much closer to her. And then there are moments when I feel as though we are moving further away from her than we have ever been.
It's been a year since we started this process. Which means I am having to redo paperwork right now. We never did this with Nate. We had him in our arms at this point. My arms ache right now. I wish she was here.
I've been going through our house, clearing out clothing. I stare at all of the bins of girls' clothing that I have saved and I don't know what to do with it all. I've gotten rid of everything under 2T, but I can't touch anything beyond that. She has to be at least 3 by now, but she could be small. I just don't know and I don't have the heart to let go of things right now.
We are constantly planning with her in mind and yet living as though she may never come. I'm constantly close to tears.
Burundi pushed back the election. It was supposed to be today. As they have it now the parliamentary election is this coming Monday. The major election is July 15th. Things are still so tense there. So up in the air. We just don't know what is going to happen.
Our prayer as a family this summer has been to boldly ask God to show us who Lydia is by the end of the summer. To be matched and have a picture to look at. A face to start to memorize. And God is so big. And He can do that. And He may. And that is what we are praying right now.
And today I will take moments to cry while I fill out those same papers that I did with such joy and anticipation last year. It hurts. But we'll keep hoping. We'll keep dreaming.