Wednesday, October 24, 2012

4 years ago today... were placed in my arms.  I'm so glad that you still let me pick you up, even though it is certainly getting harder to do!!

It has been an amazing four years.  I'm still amazed that God chose me to be your mom.  What an honor it is.

Can't wait for our date this afternoon little man.  Happy Anniversary!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


I don't think that I have ever told this story on here...

What you need to understand is that when I first was caring for Nate, there were things about him that screamed "orphan" to me that I was desperate to change right away. I clipped his nails, put him in a disposable diaper, changed his clothes...I made him look as american as possible as soon as I could. I needed him to look like my son, not the orphan he had been.

It's important you understand that.

Anyway, so while I was in Rwanda trying to bring Nathan home, I had to go to a million meetings to try and get the permission I needed for us to leave the country. This meant that I was leaving Nate behind at my friend Kiki's house, spending way more time in someone else's care than I would have wanted that first week. But I had to do what I had to do and was thankful that my travel buddy, Rachel, was able to watch him for me.

After one of the meetings, I came home to check on my little guy. I was NOT prepared for what I saw. Apparently he had just been playing on the floor. Kiki (as do most people there) had a lady that worked for her in her house. She did some of the cooking and cleaning. Anyway, she had seen Nate sitting there playing and simply scooped him up, strapped him to her back with a brightly colored piece of fabric, and went about her work. So when I walked in the door, there was my son, strapped to this Rwandese lady's back, and NONE of the american-ness that I had so desperately needed was visible.

I can't even begin to explain to you what this did to me. Perhaps you can't see it, but it completely overwhelmed me. I went to my friend and with tears in my eyes I begged her to go get me my son. When she brought him to me, I took him into my room, laid down on my bed with him and cried as I smelled the other woman on him. I was fighting to bring him home and he was my son and I didn't know him and I needed him to be familiar...

So that picture of him on that woman's back kinda haunted me. I had intended to learn how to carry him on my back as the women there did, so that I could carry him the same way, but after I had seen that I just couldn't do it. I never carried Nate like that.

Fast forward nearly 4 years.

We never thought we would have another baby once we had decided to complete our family by adopting from Rwanda. And so there were some baby things that I got rid of them being our infant carrier. Of course, last month we had another baby and so last weekend, when we were going to the local pumpkin patch, I realized that we no longer had our carrier. So what's a girl to do? Well, I did have a large brightly colored piece of fabric that I had bought in Rwanda that I hadn't used a couple of YouTube videos later...

Okay, so he looks so teeny and smushed, but he slept so peacefully the whole time and it was super comfortable for me. And I'm sure I'll get better at it and it will get easier as he gets bigger.

Anyway, so the irony of this is not lost on me. In fact, there was something really healing and right about carrying my son like this. It may not be the son I expected to strap to my back, but so much of life has not turned out how I expected.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Strangers may never look at them and see what I do, but when I look at these two boys together, my heart swells seeing these two brothers.