Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day letter

To that dear Rwandese lady...

This morning I woke up to four kids climbing on my bed, homemade cards and gifts, hugs and kisses, and sweet little voices saying, "Happy Mother's Day". It has been truly sweet. I have felt so loved today and have been taking the time to just be amazed at the fact that I am the mother of these four little people. It is just such a crazy thing to think about.

Today I have stolen long looks at each one. They are each so unique, so distinctly them, from the way they dress, to the way they smile and different, so beautiful.

I feel this way often, overwhelmed by these amazing kiddos that call me mom and so distinctly aware of how truly blessed I am. I'll shake my head and wonder at why God chose me to care for each one of them. I am so deeply flawed and yet He has entrusted me with so much. It is truly humbling.

Nathan. My son.

I wanted a son from the moment we found out we were pregnant with our first child. We named that baby within me Nathan, "gift of God". But that first baby was a girl and so was the second and so was the third, none of them our Nathan. You must know that I have loved each one of these girls more than I ever knew would be possible...I would not have traded them for anything...and yet my heart continued to ache for my Nathan, my gift.

In my mind during those years, I pictured him looking like a little version of his eyes, the blonde hair of Anthony's youth, and a smile that would take up his entire face. But God's idea was so different from that. And today as I look at my son with his dark skin, curly black hair, and deep brown eyes I am truly struck by how amazing God's plan for our family has been. But there is something else that strikes at my heart as I look at him today, thoughts of you...

I have a son because of you. You carried him when I could not. You felt each kick that I did not. You were there during the moments of his first breaths when I was on the other side of the world, with no idea that my life had just changed that day. You gave him a chance at life and I have to tell you, he lives life beautifully.

I had a moment alone with him earlier and I talked with him about how blessed he is to have had two mommies. How you had carried him in your belly and given him life and how much I love you for that. He's too young to understand right now, but my hope is that one day he will get it and that he will love you and thank you even more than I am able to.

It's Mother's Day today and I want you to know that today in my heart, I share this celebration with you. You gave me the most amazing gift without even knowing who I am or how badly I wanted a son. God saw you in those hills and me on these plains and somehow chose us to share this amazing little man. Oh, how I wish you could see him. I wish you could hear his laugh or share one of his sweet kisses...

Thank you. I will just never be able to say it in a way that you can either hear or understand the depths of, but thank you.

Happy Mother's Day.
Your son's mama