Friday, November 5, 2010

The Bitter and the Sweet

I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now with Anthony in Princeton, New Jersey. We are here for a conference at the seminary (which has been really interesting) and are enjoying an absolutely lovely six day long date. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids so much, but Anthony is my man.

Anyway...

We are having a truly wonderful time, yet life goes on and today, while so wonderful, has also been a little bittersweet. I love walking around this lovely town holding Anthony's hand, but today there is another man's hand that I wish I could hold...my little man, Nate.

Today is Nate's Gotcha Day. Two years ago today, I got off an airplane with this sweet little brown baby and handed Anthony his son. It was a powerful day, powerful in a way that you can simply NOT understand unless you have done it. Much like giving birth, if you haven't done it, you CAN'T understand the power of those moments. A Gotcha Day is like that and I wish I could snuggle my little Nate today.

There is another part of today that is bittersweet for me though and that has to do with those children that are so knit in my heart already and yet I haven't been able to hold them...I haven't been able to introduce them to their family...we haven't had that first family picture yet. Today is bittersweet, because our family doesn't feel whole yet and I am so aware of that right now.

I have no idea when Rwanda will reopen, and that is hard. I have no idea how long the process will take when they do, and that is tough. I have no idea if they will even allow us to adopt two more, and that is heartwrenching. And I have no idea what will happen in their lives, those days of my children before I can be with them, and that brings tears to my eyes.

So for now we will celebrate the sweetness of our Nate being here with us, and trust God with the bitterness that comes from our longing to be a whole family.

Happy Gotcha Day my sweet Nathan!