Monday, June 30, 2008

New Template

You may, or may not, have noticed that I have once again changed my template. The other one had been fine, but it was like when you paint a wall and you stare at it and it just seems as though it is off a shade, but you choose to just live with it for a while to see if it grows on you...well, I lived with it for a while and every time I looked at it, I was so aware of the fact that it was a shade off.

This one is a shade off too, but I'll live with it for a while and see if it grows on me...

I have begun knitting again and I may or may not have begun painting walls in my house. I can't touch Nate's room yet, so I am attacking other rooms. Anthony is being a great sport about it.

By the way, the shade in that room is perfect. = )

A Healthy Tension.

Well, yesterday marked two months since we handed in our paperwork. We originally were told to expect two to three months before we heard. Then we were given information from people who are in the process that the hope was to make decisions after just one. Well, I guess we now just hope that we hear in the same time frame as everyone else. But if you know me at all, you know my babies like to take their sweet time, so maybe we are in this for a while longer.

Usually I use this blog for just the facts of it all and my other blog for more of my emotions and struggles, but today I wanted to share a bit of my thoughts here...

My spiritual life is in a different place than I have ever found it before. There are a number of reasons for this (I might share more on this another time), but something that has been really sweet for me is just the rest I have found in God. It's as if every time I start to pray or really even think about Him, I sigh. Not a "here we go again" kind of sigh, but one of just rest and peace. Like finally being able to lay on the couch when all the kids are in bed after a tough day...that kind of a sigh. Realizing that has been such a blessing for my soul.

One of the tougher things that I have wrestled with though, revolves around God's character. Waiting is so hard and while I feel as though I have really entered into a place of trust in God's incredible goodness (I don't have to look past those sweet baby girls I have to see that), at the same time I am acutely aware of the fact that God often allows us to go through trials and heartache. I know that God sees the bigger picture, the one that I can't possibly see. That He sees the end of this and knows the goodness of it all. But I don't and I can't. And the reality is that I may never be able to look back while on this earth and see the goodness of it all. Little things here and there, of course, I see that now, as I stated above, but the tension of my understanding that His ways are so much greater than my ways and His thoughts than my thoughts, is what can keep me up at night.

I think that having faith is full of these healthy tensions. The true trust in a good God, but the knowledge that He isn't (as C.S. Lewis put it) safe is just one of them. And its one that causes me to be in awe of my huge God and to weep at my own confusion.

Two months and one day...maybe it will be tomorrow...only God knows.